


Since That Night (the Moon Has Never Seemed the Same)

by dixons_mama



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, Barebacking, Dirty Talk, Explicit Sexual Content, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Idiots in Love, Injury Recovery, M/M, Misunderstandings, POV Alternating, Panic Attacks, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trauma, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 16:08:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 29,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21850993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dixons_mama/pseuds/dixons_mama
Summary: Having sex with your best friend (that you're secretly in love with) less than 24 hours before being deployed is never a good idea.Or, Steve and Bucky make their lives incredibly difficult by not communicating, which results in endless angst.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 135
Kudos: 241





	1. You're the Only Thing I Want to Touch

**Author's Note:**

> Edit: now complete!
> 
> Title taken from the song Lost by Dermot Kennedy
> 
> I have been working on this fic for months, and is currently a WIP. I have 9 chapters complete at the moment, so I've decided to begin posting them. 
> 
> This story is my baby and I'm terribly nervous about sharing it with y'all. 
> 
> I apologize in advance for the endless angst, but I promise it has a happy ending.
> 
> Endless thanks to my cheerleader, NataleRyan, and my incredible beta, Humapuma. I couldn't have done this without you guys.

"What do you mean you're being deployed?" Steve asked, confused and on the verge of anger. Steve knew Bucky was enlisted, so there was always that possibility, but certainly one got more than twenty-four hours notice. Right?

"I mean I'm shipping out for Iraq tomorrow." Bucky huffed, as if Steve were behaving irrationally.

"You never told me you got a deployment notice. How long have you known?" Steve was afraid of the answer he'd get.

"A few months." Bucky mumbled in response, and Steve's stomach dropped. He wanted to scream, or cry, or maybe even punch Bucky right in his perfectly chiseled face.

"Why? Why didn't you tell me? We've been best friends for ages." Steve asked, tongue feeling thick and heavy in his mouth. Suddenly his eyes began to burn as he tried to hold back the tears pooling in them. Bucky gave a half hearted shrug, and that made Steve snap. He shoved his friend against the closest wall and stopped caring about the tears that streamed down his face.

"What the hell, Steve?" Bucky yelled, but even that was spoken without passion or heat.

"I just want to understand! Didn't you think you could tell me? " Steve nearly screamed the words. He wasn't just angry that he'd been lied to, he was terrified for Bucky. Scared to death that he might lose him.

"Jesus Christ, I didn't want you to worry! I couldn't-" Bucky scrubbed his hands roughly over his face.

"Couldn't what?" His heart ached, and any anger he'd felt was replaced with shame. How could he be yelling at his best friend like this, right before he was being sent off to a war torn country? After wiping his eyes, he looked Bucky in face and waited for an answer. Steve felt his chest tighten when Bucky began crying. He was staring straight at Steve, a hand over his mouth to muffle the heaving sobs escaping him. Steve quickly wrapped his arms around Bucky and held him tightly.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled. I'm sorry." Steve said, and felt Bucky grasping at his back.

"I couldn't think of the right words, Stevie." Bucky nearly whimpered. "I tried, so many times. I did. I was too scared. I'm still scared. I'm sorry." Steve squeezed him tighter, and he felt Bucky hiding his face against his neck.

"It's ok, Buck. You'll be ok. I'll write to you every day until you come back." Steve squeezed his eyes shut, Bucky  _ had _ to come back. Bucky his best friend, and Steve had been in love with him his whole life. He knew Bucky was straight, and could never love him back, so Steve intended on taking his secret to his grave. But  _ what if _ ? What if he never saw Bucky again? 

As they held each other, crying into one another's shoulders, time felt like it slowed down. Steve ran his hand through Bucky's hair, hoping it soothed his friend. The touch felt oddly intimate, and Steve wasn't sure if he wanted Bucky to feel that intimacy from him. When Bucky pulled back, just far enough to look him in the eyes, Steve couldn't read his expression.

" _ Stevie."  _ Bucky whispered softly, his lips nearly touching Steve's. At that moment, Steve felt desperate and afraid, he wanted to hold onto his friend and never let go. Just then, Bucky gently pressed his lips against Steve's. As their lips slid together, Bucky let out a hungry moan, and deepened the kiss frantically. Before coherent thoughts could form in Steve's head, Bucky was tugging up his own shirt. The air felt electric and stopping felt impossible. They quickly undressed themselves, continuing to kiss whenever possible, and Bucky lead Steve to his bedroom.

"Are you su-" Steve was cut off as Bucky pushed him onto the bed.

"Don't." Was all Bucky replied, before climbing on top of Steve's body. He leaned down and began licking and nipping at Steve's neck, slowly migrating downward. As he sucked a nipple into his mouth, Bucky blindly reached for the drawer of his bedside table and pulled out a bottle of lube. Bucky sat up on his knees and coated his fingers with the slick. He scooted back, and Steve pulled his legs back, feeling intensely vulnerable. He'd never even got past second base before. At that moment, though, Steve wasn't thinking about that. He was thinking about how much he loved this man, and how he would gladly give Bucky his heart and soul, should he ask.

Steve watched intently as Bucky leaned down and slid his warm, wet mouth around his cock. Moaning loudly, Steve gently ran his fingers through Bucky's hair, not pulling or directing, just wanting to touch. When he felt a finger begin circling his hole, he shivered. Bucky stopped to look up at him, and Steve gave a single nod. Slowly, Bucky breached Steve's entrance, while also continuing to lick and suck Steve's cock, even occasionally lapping and nuzzling his balls. Steve had never felt so much pleasure in his life, and he couldn't hold back the moans and harsh breaths that it elicited. When Bucky added a second finger, Steve gripped tightly onto his hair. Bucky moaned in approval and the vibration had Steve close to tears. He couldn't help but wonder how Bucky knew how to do all these things. The way he was sucking Steve off like he was starved for it; and how he was fingering Steve so steadily, yet gently. Neither act felt unsure or sloppy. Before he could think too much about it, though, Bucky crooked his fingers and Steve felt his brain turn to mush.

By the time Bucky was sliding three fingers in and out of him, Steve was a whimpering mess. When Bucky pulled out his fingers and slicked his cock, Steve couldn't take his eyes off of him. As he lined himself up against Steve's hole, Bucky stared intently into his eyes.

" _ Bucky, _ " Steve whispered, and Bucky pushed into him, tentative and gentle, allowing Steve to adjust before sliding all the way in. When Steve reached up for him, Bucky leaned down and laid his forearms on either side of Steve's chest. 

As Bucky began gently thrusting in and out, Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky's shoulders and squeezed his eyes shut. The torturously slow pace allowed him to feel every inch of Bucky's cock filling him up, he wrapped his legs around Bucky's waist then, desperate for more. Steve wanted every inch of himself touching Bucky, he wanted their bodies to meld together so that they could become one, and never have to part. Bucky seemed to feel his desperation, and leaned down to kiss him. Their tongues slid together and they moaned into each other's mouths. Steve couldn't remember a kiss that had ever made him feel this way. He felt loved and wanted. Even though he'd filled out significantly since high school, he'd never truly felt desired. Until now.

When Bucky's thrusting became harder, hitting deeper inside of him, Steve pulled out of the kiss with a shout, sparks flying throughout his body. Tightening his grip on Bucky, Steve panted and moaned uncontrollably. Feeling the pace quicken, all Steve could think was that he never wanted this to end. It was going to, though. Tomorrow Bucky was leaving, and he might never see his best friend again. Despite the increasing pleasure, Steve couldn't hold back the loud sob that had built up inside of him. Bucky pulled his head back to look him in the eyes, and Steve saw that tears also covered his cheeks. Bucky pressed his forehead against Steve's and began thrusting deeper, harder. 

Heat pooled inside of Steve and he knew his orgasm was fast approaching. He could also tell by Bucky's erratic pace that he was close, too. Steve tightened his legs around Bucky and cried out as he came. He felt his release shooting between their bodies, and his hole clenched tightly around Bucky's cock. Suddenly Bucky stilled, right before throwing his head back with a shout. As Steve felt Bucky coming inside of him, he knew he'd remember this moment for the rest of his life.

Panting heavily, Bucky pulled his softening cock out and rolled onto his side. Before he could react, Bucky pulled Steve into his arms. They were still sniffling and tears were still falling as Steve fought the fatigue overcoming him. Steve wanted to tell Bucky he loved him, that this wasn't, could never be, just sex, but the words never came 

The next thing he knew, Steve was waking up to a ray of blinding sunshine in his eyes. When he rolled over, he reached out to a cold, empty bed. Bucky was gone.


	2. All the Ghosts Left Behind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided I'll be posting two chapters a week from now on. Hopefully that'll give me enough time to finish writing it :)
> 
> I was lucky enough to recieve some help from 2 veterans, regarding Bucky's deployment. However, any and all errors are mine.

_ You're the closest to heaven I'll ever be, Stevie _ , Bucky thought to himself as he filled Steve's body with his release. After collapsing onto the bed, he pulled Steve close and wrapped his arms around him, not wanting to talk, only to feel Steve close to him.

Once Steve had drifted off, it didn't take long before Bucky's brain quickly went into overdrive.  _ What the hell have you done _ ? His mind screamed at him. Bucky squeezed his eyes shut and tried to calm his already erratic breathing. In less than twelve hours, he'd be on a plane heading for Iraq. Even if he  _ wasn't _ leaving, there was no way he could ever fix what he'd just done. 

Bucky knew he'd let his overwhelming feelings for Steve, along with a good helping of fear and desperation, fuel his actions, but Steve didn't know that. Steve didn't know that his best friend was actually bi and too insecure to come out of the closet. Steve didn't know that Bucky hadn't  _ meant _ to not tell him about the deployment, it was just that every time he even thought about it, Bucky would feel physically ill and break down crying until he couldn't breathe. Steve didn't know that Bucky was madly in love with him, either. 

_ Are you sure? _ Steve had started to ask, but Bucky couldn't bare to hear it. He didn't want Steve to know how  _ unsure _ he was.  _ Don't, _ was all Bucky had been able to reply, unable to say what he really wanted; _ don't push me away. _ Instead, he just took all that he could in that moment, not allowing himself to think about what it meant to Steve. In those moments, Bucky had let himself pretend. He imagined that Steve truly wanted him, desired him, and even  _ loved _ him. 

Hot tears spilled over his face, landing in Steve's soft, blond hair, and Bucky didn't move for a long time. Sleep eluded him for most of the night, his thoughts continuing to spiral out of control. As the sun began to rise, Bucky knew it was time, he had to leave. Grabbing some clothes, he headed for the bathroom and took a shower. After he was dressed, he quietly walked over to Steve's sleeping form. Bucky leaned down and gently kissed his best friend's lips.

"I do love you, Stevie." Bucky whispered. "I'm so sorry. Just know it kills me to leave." He was barely able to escape his apartment before loud, heaving sobs overtook him.

*

Leaving his building, getting to Fort Hamilton, boarding the military aircraft. It all felt like a blur to Bucky. He'd been present in the moment, but in the back of his mind, dark thoughts swirled endlessly. 

After nearly twenty-four hours of traveling, Bucky was finally in Iraq. The flight itself had felt like being in Purgatory, knowing it was finally over felt like a blessing, but even more so, it felt like a condemnation. He and his unit got the grand tour of his new home for the next twelve months. Their command team gave a briefing of everyone's duties, then announced it was chow time.

Over the following weeks, Bucky learned many things. He learned that the smell of diesel fuel never went away; that the humming of generators never ceased; and that dust could (and  _ would _ ) accumulate in places you didn't know existed. The heat was brutal, especially when you had to wear full combat gear, or were doing PT. Through all of it, though, Bucky never stopped thinking about Steve.

He managed to make a few friends, but was closest to Gabe Jones and Timothy "Dum Dum" Dugan. Bucky was glad to have their company. Between long missions, daily, agonizing PT, and all that came with being a soldier in Iraq, those two could always manage to lighten the mood. 

Gabe was a fun and carefree soul, after only two days of patrolling together, he began teaching Bucky swear words in French. Gabe also loved music, but sadly Wi-fi was spotty as hell, which limited YouTube viewing. That didn't stop Gabe from singing at any given moment, though. One time he sang an entire Kanye West song in French, which earned him nearly fifty dollars in bets. Later, Gabe admitted to Bucky that he'd actually recited his mama's gumbo recipe. Being two young privates, freshly deployed, Bucky and Gabe were lucky that Dum Dum took them under his wing, (that's what Dum Dum insisted, anyway). He was certainly a more seasoned soldier and a bit more gritty, but that didn't stop him from cracking jokes whenever possible. Two things you could always rely on him for, were that he'd always have your back in combat, and that he'd rib the ever loving mercy out of you at least twice a day. More often than not, Gabe and Dum Dum were able to keep Bucky from spiraling into the black hole of despair that was now his mind.

Despite developing such a camaraderie with the two men, Bucky had remained tight lipped about Steve, only telling them that he and his best friend had had a falling out the night before he shipped out. His new friends were sympathetic and did their best to keep him in good spirits. Bucky felt lucky to have them.

*

A little over two months into his deployment, Bucky was sitting in the MWR tent, nearly inhaling a bowl of ice cream after having completed a grueling run in the 120° heat. He startled when an envelope suddenly dropped beside his bowl.

"Here's your mail, Barnes." But Bucky didn't even see who delivered it, his attention was caught by the name written in the top left hand corner of the envelope.  _ Steve Rogers _ . Bucky felt overwhelmingly numb. He'd received letters from his family over the past few months, sure, but barely a word was mentioned about Steve. His sister had mentioned that, on the day of his departure, Steve had asked about what time Bucky shipped out. Rebecca had scolded Bucky about not telling Steve himself, but that was all he'd heard. Nothing since. He shoved the envelope into his pocket, and for the rest of the day tried to pretend it wasn't burning a hole through his BDU pants.

That night, as Bucky lay on his Army regulated cot, he stared at the envelope intently. He wasn't sure he could bare to read whatever was inside. Memories of Steve consumed him, like the time the two of them had tried weed together for the first time, and how it gave Steve an asthma attack. There was the time Bucky was nearly suspended after punching Brock Rumlow in the face; he'd only done it after he found out the asshole had berated Steve with homophobic slurs. That night Steve had come out to him, and Bucky told his best friend that it didn't matter to him, that he'd be with him 'til the end of the line. He wondered if this letter was the final stop for them.

Bucky realized he'd nearly crumpled the entire envelope in his hands while he was lost in his thoughts. He quickly threw on his boots and walked outside of his housing unit until he was standing under a generator powered light. With shaking hands, he opened the envelope and pulled out the single sheet of stationary.

_ Bucky, _

_ I'm sorry it took so long for me to write. The truth is, it hurts to think about you. What happened between us, I can't seem to stop thinking about it. I understand why you did what you did, I really do. We were both wrong, and I don't know if we can ever go back to what we were. I don't think I want to. _

_ I know this is the last thing you need right now, but you deserve to know. I don't know if I'll be here when you come back. I don't know if I can be. _

_ Please stay safe out there. _

_ -Steve _

By the time Bucky had finished reading the letter, he found himself on his knees, tears staining his cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N
> 
> PT- physical training  
> BDU- battle dress uniform  
> MWR tent- morale, welfare, recreation tent


	3. I Don't Know if I Can Be strong

Steve stood outside the post office for nearly his entire forty-five minute lunch break. His gut churned anxiously, and his hands had become clammy and sticky. How could he send this, what was by all means a Dear John letter, to Bucky? Steve had always prided himself on being forthright and honest with people, but now he couldn't stop second guessing this decision. Bucky was in Iraq, helping fight an actual war, all the while Steve had his cushy job at Banner's Books, and a nice air conditioned apartment to come home to. Bucky didn't deserve this, but to be honest, Steve didn't think either of them did. What Bucky _did_ deserve, though, was the truth. With that thought in his mind, Steve finally entered the post office and mailed the letter.

After his work shift, Steve decided to walk home instead of taking the subway. Having to write that letter to Bucky, and actually sending it stirred up a whirlwind of dark thoughts. Thoughts that Steve had hoped he could just repress for the rest of his life. Luckily his phone buzzed in his pocket, giving Steve a brief reprieve from his mind. He wasn't shocked to see that it was a text from his friend, Sam.

**_Sam_ ** _: did you send it?_

Sighing heavily, he typed out his response.

**_Sent_ ** _: yeah_

**_Sam_ ** _: want some company tonight?_

**_Sent_ ** _: no thanks, just gonna watch some Netflix and go to bed early_

**_Sam_ ** _: ok man, let me know if you change your mind._

Steve pocketed his phone, he needed to be alone. He needed time to think. For as long as he could remember, his life had revolved around Bucky Barnes, and now he was gone. Not only was he gone, there was a chance he would never return. And if he did? What they had before, it was gone. In a single night, over fifteen years of friendship was irreparably changed.

As Steve entered his lonely apartment, his mood worsened, and he again began berating himself for his actions that night. Bucky had clearly been emotionally vulnerable and sought out whatever comfort he could. Steve had been willing to do whatever Bucky asked of him, anything to get that look of utter helplessness off of his friend's face. Looking back, Steve felt a multitude of emotions about Bucky's actions the next morning. At first, he'd been absolutely crushed and completely heartbroken. Steve had lost his virginity that night, and he'd been happy it was with Bucky. But as time passed, the sadness morphed into anger. How could Bucky have acted so attentive and caring with Steve, only to leave without a word, or even a god-damned note the next morning? Bucky hadn't even left him an address to write to. He had to get that from Rebecca.

The feelings of anger and sadness cycled rapidly through Steve on a daily basis. Apparently it showed, because after a month of brooding, his friends held (what they called) an emotional intervention. Sam, Natasha, Clint, and Wanda sat Steve down and told him how wildly his moods had been fluctuating since Bucky left. They hadn't been told about the deployment either, apparently only the Barnes family had been privy to that information, and had their own feelings about it. Natasha was mad, but said she understood.

"The second you tell someone something like that, it's all they're going to be thinking about every time they see you." Nat explained, and Sam seemed to agree.

"Bucky's always been the fun, upbeat one. I get why he didn't want that dark cloud showing up every time he was with his friends." Sam had said.

The day they all sat down with Steve, they made it clear that he wasn't coping well. Natasha was convinced something had happened between Bucky and him, and he eventually cracked once Clint and Wanda had left. Steve broke down and told them (more or less) what had happened, that the two of them had had sex and then Bucky had left before Steve woke. Nat, who was closest to Bucky after Steve, looked like she was ready to start throwing knives. Sam, on the other hand, did his counselor thing, and tried his best to try and rationalize what happened. When he'd suggested that maybe Bucky had feelings for Steve, Steve laughed. He laughed until he started to cry, and that quickly turned into him being cradled by Nat as he ruined the shoulder of her shirt with tears, snot, and spit.

Steve kicked off his shoes and sat down hard on the couch. He tilted his head back and stared at the ceiling as he remembered how it all went down, when it was finally just him, Sam, and Nat in his living room.

"You can't keep on like this, Steve. Something is clearly eating at you, and it's _more_ than just Bucky being gone." Natasha had said matter of factly. Steve crossed his arms defensively, he actually did want to get what happened off his chest, but he felt embarrassed. Ashamed.

"Clint's been at the archery range like, every day, lettin' off steam." Sam began. "And Nat told me poor Wanda's been spending her nights binge watching The First 48 with Ben & Jerry's." Natasha nodded at this. "None of us are taking this well, but you.. I don't know man, I've never seen you like this." 

"You can talk to us, Steve. Whatever you say, it stays in this room. No judgement here, regardless of what you say." Natasha said seriously, and Steve knew she was telling the truth. He knew Sam and Nat were his most level headed and open minded friends, he also knew they wouldn't stop bringing this up until he spilled the beans. So with a heavy sigh, Steve dropped his hands into his lap and told them.

"The night Bucky told me he was being shipped out, I didn't.. I didn't take it well. We ended up, well, I ended up yelling. I even pushed him." Steve could already feel tears pooling in his eyes as he remembered how harshly he'd reacted. Sam put his hand of Steve's shoulder and squeezed, giving him the courage to continue.

"We were both upset, but Bucky started crying, and he told me he was afraid. I hugged him, and.. he kissed me." Steve mumbled the last few words, but by the way Nat and Sam's eyebrows shot up, it was clear they'd heard.

"Bucky kissed you. Okay. How did you react to that?" Natasha asked calmly, and Steve could feel his face heating up. "Oh God, Steve did you guys have sex?" Steve hid his face in his hands, and Sam let out a whistle.

"Wow. I'd say _finally_ , but you two picked a shitty time to confess your feelings to each other." Sam said, and that was when Steve broke down. Tears began streaming down his face, and he ran his hand through his hair roughly.

"There were no confessions," Steve told them, and his friends suddenly looked concerned.

"Well, what happened afterward?" Natasha asked.

"Nothing, really. I fell asleep and when I woke up, he was gone." He admitted, and that mix of shame, anger, and sadness slowly began creeping in.

"Oh, shit," Nat murmured, "I get he was having a hard time, but that's just cruel."

"He could have feelings for you, Steve. Maybe he got scared and just couldn't face what had happened." Sam suggested, and Steve barked out a humorless laugh. "Man, I know it's shitty, but since when does Bucky Barnes do emotions well?"

"Stop, Sam, he does _not_ have feelings for me." Steve bit down on his lip, he couldn't help but remember how sweet and gentle Bucky had been that night. It hadn't felt like just a frantic fuck, like he was just getting it out of his system. "Bucky just.. he was emotionally vulnerable, and I.." Hiding his face in his hands again, Steve couldn't hold back the despair and guilt he felt, and he sobbed.

"Oh, Steve," Natasha said sympathetically, and pulled Steve over, holding him close as he hid his face against her shoulder. "I'm so sorry, hon." She ran her fingers through his hair, and allowed him to just cry. 

"I love him, I love him so much and I fucked it up. He's gone, and we-" Steve couldn't catch his breath, he was crying too hard, and forcing the words out of his mouth left him gasping.

"Steve, stop. C'mon, you need to breathe." Sam pulled him away from Nat and made Steve look at him. "Like this, deep breath in, good, just like that. Now slowly let it out. Ok, again." Once Steve caught his breath, he felt physically and mentally spent. His friends led him to bed, and before departing, Natasha suggested writing a letter to Bucky about how he felt. Sam agreed with the idea, saying it could be cathartic. Steve mumbled that he'd think about it, before rolling over and pulling the blanket over his head.

Weeks passed before Steve finally sat down with pen and paper. It took hours, and endless sheets of paper to find the right words. He'd texted Sam and Nat afterward, they'd both been supportive and said they were proud of him. Steve didn't feel proud, though, in having written what he did. He felt numb, but he actually preferred that to the agony he'd been feeling for the past month and a half.

*

Steve never got a reply from Bucky, not that he expected one. He tried to get his life back on track, to be less moody and hang out with his friends more. And he managed to, for a while, but the numbness he felt after writing the letter never really went away. Steve went through the motions, going to his job, paying his bills, and even going to the occasional party. These things were happening, but Steve never really felt present for them. He was just going through the motions, putting on a brave face for Sam and Nat, then going home and hoping no one saw through his facáde. At night, sleep often eluded him, and he'd usually wind up at the local twenty-four hour gym a few blocks away. Steve spent hours there, using the punching bag until his knuckles split, then running on the treadmill until the sun began to rise. Only when the morning regulars began showing up would he return home, body and mind exhausted. 

Several months passed this way, wearing the mask of someone that has moved on, or is at least trying to. Steve felt like it wouldn't be long before this mask began to crumble, he could already feel it cracking around the edges.

*

It was late, and Steve wanted to go home. Clint had won an archery tournament, which meant a night of endless booze and loud music at a local night club. Steve peeled at the label on his overpriced beer and sighed, wondering how much longer until it wasn't considered rude to leave.

"Hey there, you look lonely." Steve lifted his head and saw a man standing in front of him. "You here by yourself?" The man asked.

"No, with friends." Steve replied, taking in the dark hair, and narrow, yet well sculpted face in front of him. He wasn't unpleasant to look at.

"Name's Jack, wanna dance?" The man- Jack, had an almost feral grin. Steve put his beer down and shrugged in response. Taking that as a yes, Jack took Steve's hand and lead him around the writhing bodies dancing around them. Steve knew he was a terrible dancer, but he really didn't care. These days he found that he didn't care much about anything. As Jack gripped tightly onto his hips, Steve draped his arms over the man's shoulders. The longer they danced, the more Steve found himself getting lost in his own head. Bucky had loved to dance, and he was great at it, too. He'd tried to teach Steve dozens of times, and each time ended with bruised body parts and fits of laughter.

"You wanna get out of here?" Jack asked, and Steve blinked dumbly at him as he realized he could feel Jack's erection digging into his hip. Maybe this would help make him feel better, he thought to himself. Help him forget for a little while, at least.

"Ok," He replied, and Jack all but dragged him out of the club, and into the nearest alley. Not quite what Steve had expected, but it didn't matter. Jack pushed him up against the side of whatever building was next to the club, and began kissing him. Steve kissed back. He tried to get into it, he really did, but all he could think about was how much better it felt when Bucky had been kissing him. Suddenly Jack's hand was grabbing at his dick, and Steve pulled back, hitting his head on the brick wall behind him.

"Stop," He tried to say more, but Jack was trying to shove his tongue down Steve's throat. Forceful hands pulled and shoved at his body, and _that_ was more than enough. Steve head butted him, then followed up with a knee to the groin. Jack fell to the ground, groaning and cursing in pain. Steve walked away, head stinging, and fists clenched. He hoped Clint wouldn't be upset that he left early. Maybe if Steve told his friend that he'd left with a guy, which was _technically_ true, he'd get a free pass. When Steve got to his apartment building, he stopped and took a deep breath. Looking up at the moon, Steve felt tears stinging his eyes, pain trying to break through the numbness. He couldn't keep going like this, and he didn't want to. It was too hard, and Steve didn't feel strong enough anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what ya think of this chapter. I thrive on y'all's comments <3
> 
> Find me on Twitter @dixons_mama


	4. The Ghosts of All My Guilt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still working on chapter 10 rn, but I'm hoping to finish this fic in chapter 11 or 12!

Bucky sat in the chow hall, shoveling lukewarm scrambled eggs into his mouth. He wasn't hungry in the least and his stomach was in knots, but he knew the results of not eating and then spending the day in the heat. Suddenly, Bucky felt a hand firmly clap his shoulder.

"Barnes!" Dum Dum bellowed, sitting down across from him as Gabe walked over with his own breakfast. "Heard you actually got mail from your pal, Steve. How'd that go?" Bucky froze, looking up at the expectant faces of his friends.

"Who told you that?" He asked, his voice nearly a whisper. Dum Dum and Gabe looked at one another nervously.

"Jones told us, she said she was handing out mail and saw the letter. Everything ok?" Gabe replied with a worried tone.

"Everything is right as fucking rain. Don't ask me about Ste-, about him, again. Got it?" Bucky gritted out, standing abruptly and leaving the two men dumbfounded. He headed out to try and find Jones, he wanted to tell her off, yell at her even, but when he finally spotted her slim form, he stopped. Bucky didn't want to yell at her, not really. He wanted to just yell; at himself; at Steve; at the universe and God, and anyone else responsible for the shit storm that was his life now. Instead, he took several deep breaths, and went to prepare for patrol duty.

As the days and weeks slowly passed, Bucky began shutting himself off from his friends. They didn't make it easy, though.

"Barnes, I refuse to let you sit alone all night again, especially when Odinson's brother sent him a whole bottle of weird Scandinavian liquor." Gabe said, pushing Bucky out of his housing unit. "Word is just one swig will knock ya on your ass." 

"How the hell did he get alcohol here?" Bucky asked, allowing himself to be lead through the base. 

"Apparently it was sent in a shampoo bottle, none of higher ups know about it." Gabe grinned mischievously. When they finally arrived at the designated tent, Dum Dum greeted them enthusiastically.

"Boys!" He cheered, causing Gabe and Bucky scowl at him. "The rumors were true, this stuff is gonna put hair on your balls." Dum Dum brought them the shampoo bottle, and Gabe gave him retaliatory shove, before taking a tentative sip. 

"Holy Hell!" He sputtered, nearly spitting out what was in his mouth. "That shit tastes like battery acid." Gabe took one more sip, wincing as it went down. "And maybe a hint of honey." He handed it over to Bucky, as Dum Dum watched with an amused grin. Bucky just wanted to go back to his cot and wallow in his misery, but maybe a little fire water couldn't hurt. Maybe it would help him feel better, for a little while at least. Glancing over at Gabe, who was already looking glassy eyed, Bucky squeezed the bottle until his mouth was completely full.

"Woah there! Didn't ya hear what I just said? Idiot!" Dum Dum grabbed the shampoo bottle back. It took every ounce of Bucky's self control to swallow the horrific tasting liquid in his mouth, but when he finally had it down, the effects were nearly immediate. Bucky embraced the fogginess he felt in his brain, and when Private Jones pulled on him to dance with her, he joined her. He even managed to stop thinking about Steve for a bit. After hours of dancing, Bucky found himself outside with Jones, but when she began kissing him, he froze. 

"Jones.." Bucky slurred her name, but glad he could speak at all.

"Ya know, I'm about to suck your dick, you  _ can _ call me Jessica." She replied, sliding down onto her knees. Bucky felt his chest tightening as Jessica began pulling down his pants. He'd always been a hit with women, this was nothing new to him, but this felt wrong. Looking down at her slim frame and seeing long, dark hair, it made him feel sick. He wanted to see short blond hair, and a thick, muscular body. Once his pants were around his knees, Bucky felt Jessica mouthing at his flaccid cock.

"Just.. stop," Bucky's words wavered, and Jones looked up at him. She looked disappointed at first, but as Bucky began crying softly, she clearly became panicked.

"Woah there!" She said, pulling his pants up and then standing. "No need to cry over a little Whiskey dick, happens to everyone, man." Jessica looked extremely uncomfortable with this display of emotion and beat a hasty retreat. Bucky crouched down, his brain felt like it was covered in molasses, and all he could do was take heaving breaths.  _ Fuck _ , he thought to himself,  _ I miss you, Stevie _ . He couldn't hold back the sobbing that followed the thought, and he didn't want to hold it in. Not anymore.

"Barnes? You out here?" Gabe was calling, Bucky made a noise of acknowledgement. When he looked up, he saw Dum Dum was with him.

"Sweet baby Jesus, Barnes! You look like shit! Bet you wish you had-" Dum Dum stopped when he saw the tears and snot trailing down his friend's face. "Oh, Barnes," He said sympathetically. Gabe crouched down beside him, and placed an arm over Bucky's trembling shoulders.

"C'mon, let's get you to bed." Gabe helped him up and he, along with Dum Dum, lead Bucky back to his quarters. Once they finally sat him down on his cot, they both sat on whatever pieces of furniture were available, and gave Bucky a moment to collect himself.

"I know you said not to ask, but I'm gonna, this one time." Dum Dum started, but his voice lacked any of its usual sarcasm. "This about Steve?" Bucky nodded, and the movement made his head spin. He sat forward, with his elbows on his knees, and put his face in his hands.

"He hates me. I ruined everything." Bucky whispered. "If I ever make it home, he'll be gone." His friends glanced at one another as Bucky got up to retrieve the letter from his locker. He handed it Gabe, only swaying a little before resuming his position on the cot. Gabe read the letter quietly, then handed it to Dum Dum.

"I gotta say, Barnes, this looks bleak," Dum Dum began, and Gabe elbowed him in the ribs. "Hey! I wasn't done!" He scowled at his friend before continuing. "As I was saying, this looks bleak,  _ but _ depending on what it is that happened between you two, it ain't hopeless." Bucky didn't even bother lifting his head, simply shaking it in his hands.

"Didja miss the part where it says he doesn't want to be friends anymore, and he doesn't think he can even bare to see me if I ever make it home?" Bucky mumbled between his fingers, and Gabe placed a hand on his shoulder.

"I don't think that's what he means, Barnes. Sounds to me like he's feeling guilty." Gabe said, Bucky lifted his head and scowled.

" _ Guilty _ ? I'm the one that left without saying goodbye, even after we-" Bucky clamped his mouth shut. He didn't think his friends were homophobic, but the military still wasn't a great place to be out. Repealing DADT didn't change people's opinions on homosexuality.

"Barnes," Dum Dum spoke up, and Bucky reluctantly looked at him. "We don't care, and we won't tell anyone. Just let it out, brother." Hearing the sincerity in Dum Dum's voice, Bucky decided to finally tell them.

"We had sex. We were both emotional, I hadn't told him about my deployment until the night before." Bucky began. "I guess the heat of the moment.. I don't know, but I couldn't bare to face him the next morning. I left before he woke up."

"Shit, Barnes. That's rough. Did he have a lot of one night stands?" Gabe asked, and Bucky cringed.

"No. Never. In fact.." New tears began rolling down his cheeks. "I'm pretty sure he was a virgin." Bucky whispered the words, and all the feelings of shame and guilt came flooding back. Steve had told him, more than once, that while he wasn't waiting for marriage, he  _ did _ want to wait until he found someone special. Someone he loved.

"Oh Hell, Barnes, that's.." Dum Dum seemed to be trying to choose his words carefully. "I'm gonna be honest, that's a shit storm you two are in." Gabe elbowed him again.

"You said before that you guys were best friends, right? I'm sure you'll be able to work this all out when you get home." Gabe's attempt at reassuring him broke the dam, and Bucky began bawling. He felt so tired, his eyelids felt weighed down, and crying seemed like an extreme sport at this point. It must've shown on his face, because Dum Dum spoke up.

"Try and get some sleep, you'll figure out how to fix this when you're not wasted." He said, patting Bucky on the back and heading out. 

"You'll be ok, you're a tough son of a bitch." Gabe said before leaving. Bucky curled up on his side, and cried himself to sleep.

_ Bucky was on top of Steve, they were naked and writhing against one another.  _

_ "Steve, I love you." Bucky closed his eyes and moaned, his lips a hair's breadth away from Steve's. _

_ "You left," Steve replied, and Bucky opened his eyes. "You took all I had to give, and you left." Bucky felt panic seizing his body, he lifted himself up onto his hands to better look at Steve, but there was no emotion in the face before him. _

_ "Steve! I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you. I love you!" Bucky's vision blurred with tears, he knew this was his fate with Steve. Doomed. _

_ "I won't be here when you get home." Steve said, and slowly he began turning to dust. Bucky screamed, trying to hold onto him. _

_ "No! Please! I need you!" But it didn't matter, Steve was leaving. _

_ "I can't be here, not with you." And Steve was gone, nothing more than a pile of ash spread across the bed. Bucky grasped at the ashes frantically.  _

_ "No.. no no no no." It was all he could say. Pressing his face into the mattress, Bucky thought he could still smell Steve's scent. It made him cry. He cried until, he too, began turning to ash. _

Bucky opened his eyes, and sat up slowly. He was on his cot. He was in Iraq. Steve wasn't here. And if Bucky ever went home, Steve wouldn't be there either.

After that night, Bucky began shutting himself off from everyone. He barely spoke to his friends, and nothing they did could change that.

It'd been five months to the day since he received the letter, Bucky thought, as he headed out for patrol duty. If he'd known it would be his last, he would've brought it with him.

*

_ I heard your voice inside my darkness. You gave me something to hold on to. _

At first Bucky heard nothing, which he thought odd, especially because he was always under the impression that explosions were loud. Then, a sharp ringing in his ears. It was painfully loud. Bucky groaned, but he couldn't hear himself over the ringing. When he finally opened his eyes, smoke and fire filled his vision. Pieces of metal were scattered all over the road, and people were running. They were yelling, too, but Bucky couldn't hear what they were saying. The ringing in his ears felt like an ice pick chiseling at his brain, and it made it hard to think. In an effort to orient himself, Bucky tried sitting up, but when he attempted bracing his arms against the ground, he nearly toppled over. Bucky looked at his left arm and discovered why; all that remained was a stump. Black, charred skin that once covered his bicep, now hung loosely from his shoulder. It was still smoking, and suddenly Bucky could smell his own cooked flesh.

The entire left side of his torso was bare, his BDU destroyed, and from shoulder to hip, his skin was burnt and covered in lacerations. Thinking became difficult as Bucky gasped for air, each breath making his lungs burn. Panic quickly set in and he screamed. He couldn't stop screaming, even though it hurt like hell. At this point, everything hurt. Bucky just wanted it to stop, he squeezed his eyes shut and hoped that he would just die.

_ Bucky. This isn't the end of the line.  _ Steve's voice echoed in his head, and he tried to concentrate on that, instead of the pain.  _ C'mon, pal, we can watch Blazing Saddles when you get home. I know it's your favorite. _ Bucky smiled and opened his eyes, a blonde man was crouching over him. "Stevie?" He managed to cough out, though it stung his throat to do so.

"Private Barnes? We're going to medevac you out of here. Stay with us now." The blonde man said. Bucky frowned, that wasn't Steve's deep, authoritative voice. He closed his eyes again, wanting to hear Steve.

_ I'll be here, Buck. Just come home, and I'll be here. _ Bucky let Steve's voice wrap around him, and pull him into the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo, what'd you think?


	5. I Just Realized, I Still Need You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year, friends. Thank you all for the endless support and love, I could never have done all this writing without y'all <3

Swiping through endless memes on Facebook, most of which he didn't understand, Steve decided to finally check his email, a task he'd successfully avoided for over a week. Upon logging into his account, Steve's entire body froze. At the top of his inbox was an email from Rebecca Barnes. He hesitated before opening it, he hadn't spoken to any of the Barnes family members in months. The last time being that fateful morning when Bucky had left. He'd felt like a fool after he'd asked her when Bucky's flight was departing, and she told him it had left hours earlier. It felt like both a recent and distant memory. Steve felt like a lead ball had dropped into the pit of his stomach as he realized there was only one reason Rebecca would be contacting him. Frantically, be opened the email and began reading.

_ Steve, _

_ I know we haven't kept in touch since Bucky's deployment, and I'm sorry about that. You two were always inseparable, yet through his letters I was given the impression that something happened between you guys. I hope, whatever it is, you can look past it now. _

_ Bucky has been home for a little over a month. He was badly injured in an IED explosion, for a while it was really touch and go. He's stable now and currently being treated at a military hospital in Brooklyn. Physically, he's recovering at a steady pace. Emotionally, though, he's not well. I won't go into details, as it's not my place, but I think he needs you. I remember after you had your heart surgery, you'd told everyone that you couldn't have done it without Bucky by your side. Right now, Bucky needs you by his side. _

_ Like I said, I don't know what, if anything, has happened between you two, but I really hope it won't dissuade you from reaching out. _

_ Please let me know if you'd be willing to come visit, and I'll be in touch. _

_ Take care, _

_ Rebecca  _

Steve no longer felt the numbness that had been plaguing him for so long. Feelings of guilt and shame and regret filled his chest, and he felt like he was having a panic attack. He grabbed his phone and texted  _ 911 _ to Sam, the tears pooling in his eyes preventing him from typing anything more. Bucky was here, in New York. Had been for weeks, and Steve hadn't known. Bucky never tried to contact him, but why would he? Steve had told him he wouldn't be here when Bucky returned. He'd abandoned Bucky, because he couldn't handle his own emotions.

Steve thought about what Rebecca had said, about his heart surgery. He'd gotten the surgery the Summer before he and Bucky started high school. Even though everyone else was out having fun, Bucky spent every second he could by Steve's side. The nurses and Bucky's parents had to pry him out of Steve's hospital room every night, but he'd always be back first thing in the morning. Bucky was always telling Steve how brave he was, and how he admired his courage. One evening, while they were alone in Steve's hospital room, Bucky had grabbed his hand and told him,  _ one day I'll need your spine to hide behind _ , and the statement had startled Steve. The moment had already felt oddly intimate, with the lights dimmed for the night, and the two of them lying side by side on the bed. Steve never forgot about that night, and what his friend had said. He spent many nights overthinking the possibility of there being something deeper behind those words, but in the end, he knew Bucky was just being a good friend. Nothing more.

Steve truly believed he couldn't have gotten through it all without Bucky. Now Bucky was hurt, nearly killed by an improvised explosive device, and Steve wasn't there for him. Suddenly he heard urgent knocking on his door.

"Steve!" Sam yelled, but Steve felt like he couldn't move. Somehow he'd crumbled into a heap on the floor, his face a blotchy mess of tears, snot, and spit. "I'm coming in!" The sound of the door being unlocked was followed by Sam's fast approaching footsteps. "Jesus Christ, what happened Steve?" Sam sat beside him, and rubbed between his shoulders.

"Bucky." Was all Steve could get out, his body still wracked with heaving sobs. Sam stilled beside him.

"Shit, is he.. what happened?" He asked carefully. Steve desperately wanted to tell him, but he could barely catch his breath. "Shhh, just breathe. Deep breaths now." Sam instructed, and Steve did his best to follow them. It took nearly ten minutes before he could finally speak.

"Bucky. He's home, has been for a month." Sam's eyebrows shot up at this unexpected news. "His sister sent me an email, said he was injured by an IED."

"Shit," Sam said under his breath, but allowed Steve to continue.

"I don't know the specifics, but she said he's doing ok now, physically anyway. Apparently not so well emotionally." Steve ran his hands over his face, "She asked me to go visit him."

" _ She _ asked, not Bucky?" Sam asked.

"Why would he??" Steve snapped, getting to his feet and pacing the room. "I told him I wouldn't be here when he got back, that I couldn't be!" Sam stood and watched him for a moment.

"But you are here, and you clearly haven't moved on. So, the question is, what are you going to do now?" Sam's tone was serious, yet kind, and it stopped Steve in his tracks. Could he actually go see Bucky? Would Bucky even want him there? He never wrote back, which Steve understood, and he hadn't asked to see him, which Steve also understood.

"I don't know. I don't think he'd appreciate it." Steve finally said, avoiding his friend's  _ are you serious _ expression.

"But you want to," Sam didn't ask, he knew Steve better than most, could read him like a book. Steve nodded weakly.

"Yeah, but what would I even say? Sorry I took advantage of you, then sent you a Dear John letter while you were in a fucking war zone?" Steve's words tasted bitter on his tongue, he knew if he  _ did _ go see Bucky, Bucky wouldn't want to hear that. 

"What do you think Bucky would want you to say?" Sam, the mind reading bastard, asked, not taking his eyes off Steve.

"I don't know," Steve huffed, "before all this, I'd say he would just want me there, supporting him. But now?" Sam nodded thoughtfully.

"Maybe you should meet up with Rebecca, get a better idea about what's going on with him. Decide after that." He said, heading to the kitchen. "Do you want a beer?"

"It's 11am, Sam." Steve responded.

"Yeah, but this is a 5 o'clock situation." Sam answered, bringing two beers out. Steve gave him a small smile and took one, he knew he'd be lost without Sam.

*

Steve met up with Rebecca at a small coffee shop a few days later. She hugged him, and although it caught Steve by surprise, he quickly wrapped his arms around her petite frame.

"You look great, Steve. It's nice to see you again." Rebecca said with a smile as they took their seats at a small table in a secluded corner.

"Thanks, it's good to see you, too." Steve found himself fidgeting mercilessly. He was nervous at what he was going to find out, but even more so that Rebecca may find out about what happened between him and her big brother. They were both silent for a moment, but then Rebecca cleared her throat.

"I guess we should get to it and discuss Bucky." She said, and Steve noticed that she was twisting a ring on her finger nervously. When Rebecca looked up at him, Steve tried to give a reassuring smile. "I want to know what happened between you two, and I want to know if you're serious about wanting to see him." She stated firmly. "Bucky needs his friends, but he also needs stability. I won't let you see him if you have no intentions of sticking around." 

"Rebecca, I don't think what happened-" Steve began, wanting to cut off this line of questioning as quickly as possible, but was cut off as Rebecca raised her hand to interject.

"I'm sure it's very uncomfortable to discuss, but it needs to be done." She said, and Steve's eyebrows shot up. "You guys had sex, right?"

" _ What _ ?" Steve sputtered, and felt his entire face heating up. How did she know? Had Bucky told her? When she simply stared at him expectantly, Steve lowered his head. "Did he tell you?" He mumbled, ashamed and embarrassed, wondering what else she knew.

"No, of course not, but I know him better than anyone, even better than you." Rebecca reached out and squeezed his hand briefly, "I know that he's been glued to your hip since the day you guys met. I also know Bucky would never  _ not _ ask for you at a time like this, unless he felt like he'd really fucked up." 

"He didn't-" Steve found himself cut off again as Rebecca spoke over him.

"I didn't say he did,  _ he _ thinks he did, and I have a feeling that you think it's  _ you  _ that fucked up." She said, raising an eyebrow at Steve as he squirmed in his seat.

"I did. I really fucked up." He admitted with a heavy sigh, and Rebecca took his hand in hers again.

"I don't need, or  _ want _ the details. I just want to know that it meant something to you." She said softly, giving Steve's hand a gentle squeeze. He swiped at his eyes as tears began pooling in them. Rebecca's face became sympathetic, and her own eyes swam.

"It did, but.." Steve covered his mouth, trying to hold back the sob caught in his throat. "It shouldn't have," Rebecca frowned at him, and he quickly went on, "Bucky was upset, emotionally vulnerable that night, he wouldn't have.." Scrubbing both hands over his face, his breath shuddered.

"Why wouldn't he have?" Rebecca asked, wiping a stray tear from her cheek.

"Because he's straight! Bucky doesn't like men, doesn't like  _ me,  _ not like that. Maybe not at all, anymore." Steve picked up a napkin to wipe his eyes and nose, then looked up at Rebecca. She was smiling sadly at him.

"You talk enough sense, then you'll lose your mind." She replied after a moment, and Steve felt annoyed. Why was everyone implying Bucky had feelings for him? First his own friends, and now Rebecca! Was everyone blind to the fact that his best friend was a regular Casanova with women? Bucky always had a beautiful girl on his arm, he'd even dated Natasha for a while in middle school. Clearly Steve was the only sane one among his friends.

"Can we talk about something else?" He asked, resisting the urge to cross his arms. Rebecca nodded. "What happened to him?"

"Bucky was on patrol duty, a Humvee in front of him drove over an IED, everyone inside of it was killed, and Bucky nearly died, too." Rebecca struggled for a moment before continuing. "He received severe burns and lacerations on his left side, along with a punctured lung. His arm was.." Steve squeezed her hand in an attempt to be reassuring, even though he felt like he was going to pass out. "Bucky lost his arm. It was blown off in the explosion." Fresh tears rolled down her cheeks, and Steve couldn't think of a single thing to say. He was pretty sure he was going to throw up, but somehow managed to hold it down.

"But, he's ok now?" Steve whispered the words, afraid of what else Rebecca was going to tell him.

"Mostly, thanks to Princess Shuri of Wakanda, along with her team of doctors and scientists. She had developed new, cutting edge treatments for traumatic injuries; Bucky was her first patient, but she was confident in her and her team's skill set." Rebecca smiled softly. "Their technology is incredibly advanced, and they were able to help him recover almost completely over the course of just a couple of months."

"Bucky was in Wakanda for two months?" Steve asked, stunned. This meant it had actually been three months since Bucky'd been injured. 

"Yes," Rebecca nodded, "he wasn't conscious for the first few weeks, though. He was in some sort of healing chamber, cryo- something, then he had to go through a bunch of skin grafting. Luckily, it was made a lot easier for him, pain wise at least, thanks to their advanced technology and medicines." 

"But he's in a Brooklyn hospital now, right?" Steve asked cautiously.

"Right, but he's going to be discharged at the end of the week. Of course he'll still be seeing his physical therapist, but at least he likes her." She smiled at Steve, "He's doing remarkably well, the American doctors couldn't believe how quickly his injuries have healed."

"That's good, really good." Steve said, but he knew there was more she hadn't said. They sat in silence, Steve waiting for more, but not wanting to push Rebecca. She already looked overwhelmed, despite her composed state.

"I meant what I said before, Steve." Rebecca said, voice firm, "I won't let you see him if you're just gonna bolt afterward. He may be doing well physically, but mentally, he's been in a dark place."

"Becca," The nickname slipped out, but she didn't seem upset upon hearing it. "I care about Bucky, no matter what, and if he wants me around, I'll be there." 

Rebecca's face remained serious for a moment, before nodding. Hearing Steve's confirmation seemed to be what she'd needed in order to continue.

"Once Bucky was well enough, we were able to Skype while he was in Wakanda. I could tell he was putting on a brave face for everyone there, you know how he is." Steve nodded, remembering how Bucky hadn't cried a single tear after breaking his arm in fourth grade. He hadn't wanted to upset his mother, and God knew Mrs. Barnes was a sensitive soul, so he seemed to learn quickly how to put on that infamous brave face.

"Every time we talked, it was mostly him plastering a fake smile to his face, talking about how great everyone was, and making self deprecating jokes." Rebecca sighed heavily, as if finally unloading a heavy weight from her shoulders; and she was, Steve thought. Rebecca had been in constant contact with Bucky's doctors, dealt with an endless pile of paperwork from the military and Wakandan officials, and remained Bucky's rock for the past three months. Rebecca had her own life to deal with, too. She was a realtor, a single mom, and out of nowhere, her life had irrevocably changed forever.

"He hasn't improved since returning to the States?" Steve asked, although he felt like he already knew the answer.

"No, the only thing he's doing better is wearing his mask." Rebecca answered, and Steve felt like his chest was suddenly being crushed. "I don't know how long that can last, though. He always looks so sad when he thinks no one's looking." Steve scrubbed at his face harshly, wiping angrily at the tears falling. He could see how much Rebecca was hurting, and could only imagine how Bucky was feeling. Steve wasn't selfish enough to think it was his fault Bucky was nearly killed by an IED, but he couldn't help but think, if he'd been a better friend, he could've been there for Bucky from the beginning. They could have Skyped. Steve could have visited him at the Brooklyn hospital. Maybe Bucky wouldn't feel like he had to live with a mask on, the way Steve had.

"When can I see him?" He asked resolutely, and Rebecca smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?


	6. It'd Be Easier Not to Feel

The first solid memory Bucky has after being medevaced, is being in a hospital in Germany. He remembers fuzzy bits and pieces before that, but he isn't sure how accurate those memories are. Bucky didn't mind being there, but he was glad when he'd been told he was being offered treatment in Wakanda. Princess Shuri was sharp as a tac and smart as a whip, while her medical team were much more stoic, they were nonetheless incredibly dedicated to helping Bucky.

After less than 24 hours in Wakanda, he'd been put in the cryo chamber. Bucky welcomed it, he knew there would be no pain while he healed, and his brain wouldn't be able to constantly remind him that his life was ruined. Being brought back to consciousness, and finding many of his injuries healed had been a blessing. The skin graphs hadn't been pleasant, but he'd definitely been through worse. Unfortunately, those dark, menacing thoughts were still there, although he did his damnedest to hide them. Once Shuri declared Bucky healthy enough to go back home, everyone expected him to be excited, and he was. Kinda. Going home meant seeing Rebecca, and his friends, but it also meant  _ not _ seeing Steve.

Sitting around in the Brooklyn hospital had been boring and depressing. The doctors had insisted that Bucky needed to remain being monitored, which mostly meant getting his vitals taken repeatedly every day. Bucky hated being cooped up in his room all day. Rebecca would visit him, of course, and a few VA members sporadically stopped by to talk, but there were still too many hours he had to spend alone. It was during those solitary stints that Bucky's thoughts became dark storm clouds. He thought about how his life could never be the same. He was missing an arm now, and he was depressed and angry all the time. The entire left side of his torso was covered in scar tissue, even with the help from Wakanda, there was no preventing it. The scars from shrapnel wounds and burns mottled his once smooth, creamy skin. His left arm was a mere disfigured stump. Even though Shuri's team had put a covering over it, to make connecting a prosthesis easier, it still wasn't pretty. Bucky  _ hated _ it, it was a constant reminder of what had happened to him. 

Bucky was a little glad that Steve would never have to see him like this. The Bucky that he'd had known was gone. The funny, happy, playful Bucky didn't exist now, and Steve didn't deserve to have to know this new version. He knew that before all this he'd been considered a handsome man, with his well defined cheekbones, perfectly styled hair, piercing blue eyes, and megawatt smile. Now, his hair was long and always tied up in a messy bun; his eyes now had dark circles underneath them, and his smile was never real. It held no warmth, and always felt wrong. 

Tears stung at his eyes as he thought about it. Bucky couldn't remember what life was like before he met Steve, he didn't care to. As kids, Steve had been a gangly, knobby kneed spit fire, and Bucky had been his sidekick in crime. Well, not  _ crime _ , per se, but in standing up for others, and if that sometimes involved someone getting a bloody nose, or chipped tooth, so be it. Friends came and went, and that was fine, Steve and Bucky knew they'd always have each other. At least, they had thought they would. Until Bucky went and burned their solid foundation to the ground. As much as he hated what he'd done, Bucky never forgot a single moment of that night. The breathy moans Steve made, the tight feeling of pushing into his body, and the way it felt to hold him after. All of it had been the best experience of Bucky's life. He'd  _ never _ felt that good when he was intimate with his past girlfriends. Then again, he'd never loved any of them the way he loved Steve.

Upon hearing a light knocking on his door, Bucky hastily wiped his eyes and nose. Looking over, he saw it was Rebecca.

"Hey," she said with a soft smile, "I brought some lunch. You hungry?" Rebecca held up a take out bag from his favorite burger joint, and shook it gently.

"Yeah, I could eat. Thanks," Bucky took the burger she handed him, and put it on his lap to unwrap it. They sat in silence, eating their lunches, but after several minutes, Rebecca put her food down and looked at him.

"There's something I have to tell you, Bucky." She said, and it immediately put Bucky on edge. 

"Ok, go for it." He replied.

"I talked to Steve earlier today." Rebecca said slowly, as if she were talking to a spooked animal, and Bucky felt his chest tighten painfully. 

"Why?" Bucky's voice sounded strained to his own ears, he desperately hoped she hadn't told Steve about his injuries.

"I emailed him. I told him about.. what happened to you, and that you were home." She fidgeted with her ring, like she always did when she was nervous, but didn't look away. Bucky felt the blood drain from his face. Steve knew. 

" _ Why _ ?" He growled, grinding his teeth, and it made Rebecca's eyebrows rise.

"Because he's your best friend!" She stood up, looking exasperated. "I don't care what happened between you two, you don't just throw away a relationship as special as the one you guys have." 

"You have  _ no _ idea-" but Rebecca cut him off.

"I know more than you think, I'm not an idiot, Bucky." Hearing that made Bucky freeze. Had Steve actually told her? "I don't care what happened, I only care that it seems to have put a roadblock in your relationship."

"Stop saying relationship like that," Bucky grumbled, "we're  _ friends _ . I mean, we were." He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. Rebecca sat down again, and placed her hand on Bucky's knee.

"He wants to see you." She said, smiling softly at her brother. Bucky simply huffed out a humorless laugh.

"Well, he  _ shouldn't _ ." Rebecca squeezed his knee lightly.

"He's going to be here on Friday, I have a doctor's appointment and can't drive you home once you're discharged. He offered to take you." She spoke firmly, as if it were a done deal, and it irritated Bucky. He'd had enough decisions made  _ for _ him these past few months, and it was getting old.

"No, I'll take a cab." He crossed his arm over his chest, but knew it didn't come off the same with just the one. Rebecca rolled her eyes at him.

"You have any idea how expensive that'll be?" She retorted.

"Fine! I'll take the subway." But he knew he couldn't, he had personal effects that he had to bring home. More than he could carry by himself.

"Look, if you really don't want to see him, I'll reschedule my appointment. I didn't think you'd be so resistant." Rebecca sounded defeated, and Bucky knew she was just trying to help. He couldn't ask her to rearrange her life just because he was afraid to see Steve again. For whatever reason, Steve  _ had _ offered, probably more as a favor to Rebecca than because he wanted to see Bucky. The thought stung, but what was new?

"No," Bucky sighed, "I'll let him drive me home. It's fine." 

"Great!" She said happily, "I'll let him know. I have to pick up Mila," Bucky smiled at the mention of his niece, "I'll try to bring her by tomorrow. Be good, Bucky." Rebecca leaned down to kiss his cheek, and walked out.

**

It was Thursday and Bucky found himself sitting in the hospital lobby, biting the inside of his cheek relentlessly. Tomorrow he'd be facing Steve and his mind was a whirl of anxiety over it.  _ Why _ did Steve want to see him? Did he feel guilty for some reason? Or worse, was he helping because he felt  _ bad _ for Bucky? He frowned at the thought, Bucky did not want Steve's sympathy, not after what he'd done. 

"Barnes!" A husky voice interrupted his thoughts, and when he looked up, he spotted Frank Castle and Matt Murdock approaching. "Man, you look like someone took a shit in your Cheerios." Frank said as he sat down, Matt folded up his cane and found a seat beside him.

The two veterans had been regularly visiting Bucky since he'd arrived at the Brooklyn VA. Frank was blunt and to the point, never mincing his words, and Bucky appreciated that about him. Matt was more level headed and thoughtful, but was never afraid to speak his mind. The two equaled each other out well, and were good at helping Bucky get out of his head. He eventually learned that the two had known each other growing up, but had actually hated one another. They'd then been deployed together, forcing them to work alongside one another, and slowly but surely they bonded and became friends. Frank and Matt had also been victims of an IED, the explosion left Matt blind, and Frank with PTSD. Only once they'd found themselves recovering in the same hospital room, did they find themselves realizing there was more between them. 

"I was resistant at first," Frank told him one day, "I'd never had feelings for a man before, and to be honest, it scared the shit outta me." 

"The way he took care of me and looked out for me, his actions told me how he felt. I figured with time, the words would come." Matt smiled fondly as he spoke about Frank.

After finding out about their relationship, Bucky found himself opening up to them about Steve. It felt good to get it off his chest, but he was still embarrassed and ashamed that they knew how he'd treated his friend. Frank and Matt never judged him for his acts, though, and while Bucky felt like he didn't deserve that, he appreciated it nonetheless.

"I'm gonna see Steve tomorrow," Bucky swallowed nervously, "he told my sister he'd drive me home." 

"God damn, that's-" Frank began, but Matt cut him off.

"That sounds like a good opportunity for you to talk things over with him." 

"Yeah, right," Bucky mumbled, "I'm sure he'd love to hear me explain that I had sex with him because I've been in love with him my whole life, and left without saying goodbye because I'm a coward."

"Man, fuck that." Frank said, "I don't know Steve, but he doesn't sound like the type to hand out sympathy fucks." 

"What I think Frank is trying to say," Matt interrupted, elbowing Frank in the ribs, "is that Steve probably has feelings for you, too." Bucky slumped down in his seat and frowned.

"Steve's never once implied that he thinks of me as more than a friend." He replied.

"He thinks you're straight, though. Why would he?" Matt retorted, and Bucky felt like a fool for even considering the idea, but it  _ was _ true, no one knew he was bi. Well, except for Rebecca, apparently. Bucky had seen the hell Steve went through for being gay, and he didn't feel brave enough to take that on.  _ Just another example of my cowardice _ , Bucky thought to himself bitterly.

"Even if he  _ did _ have feelings for me, after what I did..." He trailed off.

"Maybe you'll be lucky, Barnes, and he'll act like it never happened. Water under the bridge, ya know?" Frank said, avoiding Matt's elbow again.

"That would  _ not _ be a lucky scenario, Frank." Matt scowled.

"I don't know, maybe it's better than letting what happened ruin our friendship." Bucky pondered, and Matt huffed at him.

"Not talking about it doesn't erase what happened. It would still be looming over you,  _ both _ of you, and you'd be miserable." 

"My choirboy here has a point," Frank said, placing an arm over Matt's shoulders. "If you think what you guys have is over with, what's the worst that could happen by telling Steve how you feel?" 

Bucky shrugged, he didn't have an answer. He wanted everything to go back to how it was before that night. He wanted Steve to be his best pal again, always by his side; he wanted his arm back; he wanted to remember what being happy felt like. Bucky shook his head, he knew none of those things were possible. He'd ruined his most precious friendship, his arm was long gone, maybe strewn in pieces across Iraq, and he could never feel the same happiness he'd had before without Steve in his life.

"Barnes, I'm not gonna bullshit you and say everything will work out perfectly." Matt spoke up, "I know you're a better man than you think you are, and you deserve to be happy. I think you're the only one keeping you from that happiness, too."

Just then Frank's phone chirped, he checked it, and typed a reply before putting it back in his pocket. "Karen and Foggy want us to stop by for lunch. You gonna be alright, Barnes? We can stay-"

"No, I'll be fine," Bucky interrupted, "go have lunch." Everyone stood, Frank and Matt each giving him a brief hug.

"You have our numbers, keep in touch, alright?" Matt said with a smile, and Bucky agreed.

He walked back to his room and decided to see what was on TV. Flicking through the channels mindlessly, Bucky suddenly dropped the remote. There on the screen were Mel Brooks and Gene Wilder, by some remarkable coincidence,  _ Blazing Saddles _ was playing. But instead of being excited, like he should have been, Bucky burst into tears. Memories of Steve's voice and losing his arm crashed over him, and he didn't know why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments and kudos, they keep me going. 
> 
> I'm almost done with chapter 10, and already have plans for 11 & (the final chapter) 12!


	7. Strip Me of My Fears

"Let me get this straight," Natasha pointed a perfectly manicured finger at Steve, " _ you _ agreed to go see Bucky, whom you have, what you think are unrequited feelings for," Steve frowned, but kept quiet, " _ and _ you're going to drive him home tomorrow. Alone." 

"Well-" Steve attempted to defend himself, but drew a blank.

"Steve, we love you, but sometimes you're not so good with using your words." Sam said.

" _ What _ ?" Steve scoffed, and both his friends rolled their eyes.

"You've always been more of a man of action. Seeing Bucky is going to require using words." Natasha explained.

"Well thought out words, too." Sam added, and Steve slunk down in his seat on the couch.

"I just.. Rebecca said he wasn't doing so well, and I-" Steve stopped, he'd wanted to help Bucky, just like Bucky had always helped him, but how could he possibly?

"Do you know what you're going to say to him?" Sam asked, and Steve shook his head glumly.

"You need to tell him the truth," Natasha said softly, "Bucky deserves to know, doesn't he?"

"He doesn't deserve to have my bullshit piled on top of what he's already dealing with." Steve snapped, he stood up and walked over to the open window in his living room. He could hear Nat and Sam whispering behind him, but he didn't care. This had been a bad decision, he thought to himself, there was no way Bucky wanted to see him. Steve considered texting Rebecca, asking her if it was too late to back out. 

"Steve," Sam called him over, "I know this is hard for you." Steve walked back over, but sat in a chair opposite the couch. 

"We can go with you, if you want." Nat offered, but Steve shook his head.

"Thanks guys, but I don't think that's a good idea. Bucky'll know I told you what happened, and that'll just make it worse." He sighed heavily, running his hands through his hair. Steve had never been able to lie to Bucky, he'd always been able to read Steve like a book. He could only hope that Bucky wouldn't see the multitude of emotions warring inside of him tomorrow. 

"I just need to see him, to know he's.. I don't know, it's like I  _ have _ to see him, to know he's ok." Steve's voice trembled, he scrubbed his hands over his face before looking up at his friends. 

"If you feel that way, you definitely should." Natasha answered. " _ Talk _ to him."

"And don't do that thing where you pretend everything is ok just to avoid talking about it." Sam added pointedly. Just then, there was a knock on the door and Steve got up to answer it. When he saw Clint behind the peep hole, he opened the door and invited him in.

"Why does everyone look like they're at a kicked puppy convention?" Clint asked warily, noticing the wary expressions on Sam and Nat's faces.

"Steve is going to see Bucky tomorrow," Nat said, "and he's going to drive him home."

By now, Steve had told Clint and Wanda about Bucky's return, and about his injuries. Any and all injustices felt by either of them had immediately dissipated upon hearing the news. They were just grateful he'd returned.

"Oh?" Clint looked at Steve with a mischievous smile.

"What?" Steve asked, "Why are you smiling like that?"

"C'mon, you're gonna drive him home  _ alone _ ? You guys are totally gonna have some hot homecoming sex." Steve's mouth dropped open before turning on Nat and Sam.

"You  _ told  _ him?" He asked, feeling more annoyed than angry.

"Nah, they didn't tell me." Clint answered, plopping onto the couch. "Wanda did." 

"How the hell did she know?" Steve sat back down heavily in his chair.

"You know her, she's like a psychic. Girl just  _ knows _ stuff." Clint replied with a grin.

"Great," Steve huffed, crossing his arms defensively, "I should just call up the local news and let the whole city know what an asshole I am." 

"Man, you are so far from being an asshole." Clint said sympathetically. 

"Clint, I took advantage of my straight friend the night before he was deployed." Steve's voice hitched, and he tried to swallow around the lump in his throat. "He was so horrified, or disgusted, or  _ something _ not good, that he left without even saying goodbye!" 

Tears stung at his eyes, and he wiped them away angrily.

"Steve, man, look at me." Clint said firmly. "Did you know that Bucky kept a picture of you in his locker in high school?"

"Yeah," Steve smiled wanly at the memory, "I had one of him, too. We took silly selfies and traded them. So?" Sam and Nat looked at each other.

"Do you know what ringtone he has for you on his phone?" Clint asked, and Steve shook his head. "It's fuckin' Rude Boy by Rihanna!"

Steve barked out a laugh, genuinely surprised, and oddly amused. Who even has music ringtones anymore?

"Bucky just has a weird sense of humor, that's all." Steve tried to explain it away, and it was true, Bucky  _ does _ have a weird sense of humor. 

"You cannot be serious." Clint threw his hands up in the air. "What about the time he went to that gay bar with you"

"Oh my God, I'd forgotten about that!" Natasha laughed, "Wasn't his excuse that he needed to make sure no unsavory characters harassed you?"

Steve felt himself blushing furiously, "So what?" All three of his friends groaned simultaneously.

*

That evening, as Steve rearranged books and put up new displays at Banner's Books, he couldn't stop thinking about the things his friends had said. Bucky and Steve had always been exceptionally close, was it really so unusual that they had each other's pictures in their lockers during high school? Or that Bucky wanted to watch out for Steve the first time he went to a gay bar? Steve shook his head to himself, he wasn't sure he could believe that Bucky might actually have feelings for him. Even the fact that he had Steve's ringtone as Rude Boy wasn't  _ that _ odd. Bucky really did have a unique sense of humor. Steve smiled to himself as he recalled a time in seventh grade when Bucky had dipped brussel sprouts in chocolate, put them in Ferrero Rocher wrappers, and then gave them to a girl that had made fun of Steve after he'd asked her out. Steve had still been hoping, at that time, that if he tried hard enough, his attraction to guys would pass.

"Are you ok?" Steve spun around and saw that Wanda was standing there, a concerned look on her face.

"I'm fine, why?" He turned back around and began to mess with the display sign. Steve knew what Clint had said about her was true, Wanda was eerily good at reading people, and often times it felt like she could actually read minds.

"Steve, you've been standing there for ten minutes, just staring at the wall." Wanda placed her hand on Steve's shoulder and gently turned him to face her. "Is it about Bucky?"

" _ No _ , I just.." Steve realized it was pointless to lie to her and sighed. "Yes, it's about Bucky. I agreed to drive him home tomorrow." Wanda smiled brightly.

"That's wonderful! Why do you look like you have kitty litter in your underpants then?" She tilted her head minutely.

"It's a long story," Steve huffed.

"It's because you had sex with him, isn't it?" Wanda spoke bluntly, but with a softness in her tone. Steve sputtered in surprise, not sure what he could possibly say to that. Finally, he decided to just tell her the truth.

"More like I'm in love with him, then had sex with him when he was in a dark place, and after I woke up alone the next day, I haven't stopped hating myself." He spoke quickly, tired of telling everyone his shameful secret.

"But, why should you hate yourself for having consensual sex with the man you love?" Wanda sounded genuinely confused and it frustrated Steve that she couldn't see how awfully he'd behaved.

"First of all, Bucky is straight, Wanda." Steve began, checking off on his fingers, "Second,  _ he _ doesn't love  _ me _ . And third, how could he possibly have actually wanted what happened that night?" Wanda frowned at him.

"Do you respect Bucky?" She asked.

"What? Of course I do, what kind of-"

"Then allow him the dignity of his choice, Steve." Wanda sounded like she was nearly pleading with him, and Steve was taken aback by this.

"Wanda, I…" He trailed off, suddenly feeling very unsure.

"Listen to me," Wanda stated firmly, "I lost the love of my life. I will never be able to tell him that I love him, or how much he meant to me. I'll never be able to hear his laugh, or feel his arms wrapped around me."

Steve was stunned into silence. Wanda had tears in her eyes, and her voice shook, but she continued.

"You think you fucked things up with Bucky, but you have him  _ back _ . You have a chance to tell him how you feel, to tell him how much he means to you. To tell him.. to tell him you love him." Wanda broke down then, and Steve pulled her into his arms.

He rocked her gently, and thought deeply about her words. Bucky could have  _ died _ , but he was home now. Did Steve really want to take this second chance and do nothing with it? 

*

On Friday morning, Steve's gut churned as he parked outside the VA. He got out, took several deep breaths and walked towards the entrance. Once he got inside, he spoke to the nurse manning the front desk, telling her that he was James Barnes' ride home. She pointed to Bucky's room and told Steve a nurse would be in shortly with discharge papers.

As Steve pushed open the door to Bucky's room, he held his breath; this was it. Looking up, he saw Bucky sitting on the edge of his bed. He wore white cotton pants, and a white tank top. His hair was almost to his shoulders, and he had stubble on his face. Steve thought he looked just as beautiful as he always had, but as he took several steps forward, he could tell Bucky was…  _ off _ . He had dark circles under his eyes, so dark they almost looked like bruises. Even worse, though, was the tight lipped smile on his face.

"Hey, Steve," Bucky said, staring straight at him.

"Buck," Steve willed himself not to cry. Bucky was looking at him in a way he couldn't decipher, it was intense and almost reverent, like he thought he'd never expected to see Steve again. Which, Steve thought, considering the letter, made sense. It brought on a fresh wave of shame that made his stomach roll. 

There was a long moment of silence, as they continued to look each other over. "You uh, bulked up," Bucky finally said, and Steve felt like an idiot as his cheeks began burning.

"Yeah, been going to the gym most nights."

"Nights?" Bucky asked, because of course he knew Steve was a morning person, and preferred staying home once the sun set.

"Helps when I can't sleep," Steve mumbled, glancing away momentarily, unable to watch as Bucky's ever seeing eyes saw through him.

"Can't sleep, huh?" Bucky smirked, but it looked empty, devoid of any real emotion. "What, or  _ who _ , is keeping you up?"

Steve almost told him the truth, that it was Bucky that kept him up. There hadn't been a single night that passed where Steve hadn't lost sleep thinking about him.

"I don't-" Steve began, but suddenly a nurse entered the room, and his voice caught in his throat. This couldn't be happening.

"Alright Barnes, you ready to get out of here?" Steve felt the color draining from his face, the nurse was the man from the club, the one he'd kissed, and then assaulted. Steve couldn't remember his name, but saw that his ID badge identified him as Jack Rollins. When he turned to face Steve, he quickly looked at Bucky, and then back. He grinned viciously, and Steve felt himself break out in a sweat.

"This guy taking you home, Barnes?" Jack asked, and Bucky looked suspiciously at the both of them.

"Yeah, this is my fr-, er, this is Steve." He looked down at his hand, and Steve felt like his chest was caving in.

"We've met," Jack slapped a hand on Steve's shoulder, "I gotta warn ya, he's not as good a kisser as those lips imply." Bucky's head shot up, and for the briefest of moments, a myriad of emotions flashed across his face. Finally, a smile that looked almost like a grimace, settled on him.

"Oh, look at you, Steve, finally spreading those wings." Bucky sounded amused, and it confused Steve, because it didn't match his expression.

"No, I didn't-" Steve tried to rectify the situation, for whatever reason he didn't want Bucky thinking he'd been intimate with this asshole, but Jack cut him off.

"C'mon, let's not kiss and tell like we're a bunch of school girls." Jack handed Bucky a folder full of papers. "These are your discharge papers, you are officially free to go." Jack openly eyed Steve up and down, "I guess the sausage in his pants makes up for the kissing." And with that he left. Steve was furious at Rollins, but even more so at himself.

"Let's go," Bucky's voice broke through the swarm of anger clouding Steve's head. He looked up to see Bucky now wearing a hoodie and with a backpack slung over his shoulder. "Can you grab that?" He nodded towards a cardboard box with a duffle bag on top of it.

"Uh, yeah, I'll just…" Steve trailed off as he watched Bucky walk out of the room. He wanted to fall to his knees and scream until his lungs burst, he didn't know how to fix this and he hated it. 

Putting the strap of the duffle over his shoulder, Steve picked up the box and walked out. He saw Bucky standing by his vintage VW Bug, watching a squirrel as it ran across the parking lot to a tree. He looked almost entranced by it, and Steve wondered if there were squirrels in Iraq. When Bucky noticed Steve walking towards him, a flicker of a smile landed on his lips, but it was quickly gone. It looked like Bucky had mastered the art of having a truly blank expression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry! So many of you were really excited about how their reunion would go, and of course I made it sad.
> 
> Currently working on chapter 11! After that, the epilogue!


	8. Before We Were Hopeless

As Bucky sat beside Steve in his very cramped car, he contemplated why he hadn't considered the fact that Steve might get together with someone while Bucky was away. Perhaps, he thought, he had hoped, deep down, that Steve was still as hung up on him as Bucky was for Steve. He gritted his teeth as Steve pulled out of the hospital parking lot, and into relentless traffic. This was going to be the worst trip, ever.

"So," Steve tapped his fingers on the steering wheel, something he did whenever he was anxious. "How've you been, since you got back?"

"Fine," Bucky glanced at Steve and saw he was now chewing on his bottom lip. When it slipped out from behind his teeth, red and shiny, it reminded Bucky of how it had looked after... He clenched his fist tightly, letting his fingernails dig into his palm painfully. Bucky turned his head and looked out his window. The silence was deafening.

"What was Wakanda like?" Steve asked, after several long minutes, clearly grasping at straws, trying to make the situation less awkward. Bucky sighed, it was only going to get worse if he didn't engage with Steve.

"It was nice," Bucky finally replied, "Wakanda is beautiful. A lot different than Iraq." 

"I bet, I've only ever heard amazing things about it." Steve said, giving Bucky a small smile. Seeing it broke his heart.

"Yeah, everyone there was really kind, and Shuri was out of this world smart. Her whole team was, I'm real lucky they chose to help me." Bucky tried to smile back, but knew it didn't reach his eyes. It never did. This was turning out to be worse than he anticipated. He'd expected Steve to yell at him, or tell him how disappointed he was, but this? Trying to pretend everything was sunshine and rainbows between them, it was painful.

"I'm glad they did, too. You definitely deserved it." Steve said seriously, Bucky shrugged and nodded, not wanting to argue that he did not, in fact, deserve it.

The traffic slowly dispersed, and they were finally able to make some headway towards home. Bucky's home. Rebecca had made sure his apartment was taken care of while he was away, which he was thankful for, but now he wished he had a new place. A place where he hadn't had the best sex of his life, with his best friend, who had already moved on, while Bucky's heart still ached. The sudden anger that he felt surprised him, and he hated it. As it sunk in that what had happened meant nothing to Steve, it confused Bucky . Steve was a true romantic, he wore his heart on his sleeve and always took relationships seriously. To know that losing his virginity was something insignificant to Steve, it didn't make sense. It seemed very little made sense to Bucky anymore.

"Nat and the rest of the gang are hoping to see you soon," Steve said, pulling Bucky out of his head. When he looked over, Steve was gripping the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles were white. 

"Yeah? It'd be good to see them again." Bucky said, turning to look out of his window. Seeing Steve look so tense, just from having to make conversation with him made Bucky's stomach churn. Suddenly feeling clammy and sick, he struggled to get his hoodie off. 

"Do.. uh, you-" Steve began saying.

" _ I've got it _ ," Bucky snapped, finally pulling it over his head. He could feel his hair sticking out all over the place, and when he turned to glare at Steve, he was surprised by what he saw. Steve's lips quirked upwards just slightly, and his eyes shone. He actually looked like he was about to laugh. 

"Your hair," Steve reached over, intending to fix it, and Bucky couldn't help flinching. It was something that had begun after leaving Wakanda. Loud sounds, and unexpected physical contact startled him, often causing him to flinch or even shout. His doctors told him it was post traumatic stress disorder, something a lot of veterans experienced. Bucky hated it, it made him feel vulnerable and weak. 

"Sorry," Steve snatched his hand back like he'd been burned. Bucky felt embarrassed and ashamed as he saw Steve's face crumble momentarily before schooling his expression. Bucky threw the hoodie angrily on the floor, and resumed staring out his window.

Finally, after what felt like days, Steve pulled into a parking spot in front of Bucky's apartment. Bucky got out of the car as quickly as he could, pushing his seat forward to grab his duffle bag, and then heading inside. He stopped outside of the elevator and waited for Steve, knowing he'd already been rude by leaving him behind. When Steve finally made it inside, carrying the box and additional duffle bag, he looked surprised to see that Bucky had waited for him. Bucky slammed the UP button with his palm, and scowled when the doors took longer than two seconds to open.

When the doors  _ finally _ opened, they both tried to enter at the same time, causing Steve to slam into Bucky's left side. The force was enough to send a shooting pain through his stump and Bucky hissed in pain, grabbing at what was left of his arm.

"Shit!" Steve yelled, dropping the box and duffle, and instinctively put his hand over Bucky's. When Bucky pulled away, Steve quickly apologized, "I'm so sorry, Buck, are you ok? Are you hurt?" 

"It's fine," Bucky lied, gritting his teeth. He didn't experience a lot of pain nowadays, but he  _ was _ still healing, and a strong jostle like that was excruciating. When he looked up at Steve's face, he saw his bottom lip nearly trembling. Ignoring the pain, Bucky briefly put his hand on Steve's shoulder, "Steve, it's ok. Let's get upstairs."

"Right," Steve looked at Bucky's face with such reverence, Bucky had to look away. Steve picked the box and duffle up, and they got into the elevator. The ride up to the fourth floor was silent, and Bucky could see Steve out of his peripheral vision, constantly turning to look at him. A couple of times Bucky thought he was going to say something, but kept quiet.

Once they finally made it inside Bucky's apartment, Steve immediately began going around, tidying things up. He pulled the sheets off of the furniture, put them in the laundry, then set off to the kitchen. Bucky rolled his eyes, Steve always cooked when he was stressed out. Rebecca had told him that she'd restocked his kitchen, so he had no idea what Steve might come out with. Deciding to ignore him for now, Bucky went into the bathroom and shut the door. He quickly dropped the duffle bag, and fished out his bottle of Percocet. Bucky flipped the cap off with his thumb, and got a pill out, he stared at it for a moment before retrieving a second. The day had been long and painful, both mentally and physically. He wanted to just go to sleep and forget everything.

Popping them both into his mouth, he swallowed them down with water from the tap. 

"Bucky?" Steve called out to him.

"What?" He asked, hoping Steve was announcing his departure. If this went on much longer, Bucky was going to lose it.

"I made you some lunch," When Steve replied, his voice was much closer, and Bucky scrambled to put away his medication.

"Just one sec," Bucky answered. After putting the pill bottle in the cabinet above the sink, he opened the door. Steve was standing there, eyes wide and a hesitant smile on his face.

"You ok?" Steve asked, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"Yep," Bucky gave his best impression of a smile, "did you say you made lunch?"

"I did," Steve looked almost bashful, and it made Bucky's chest feel tight. He followed Steve into the living room and saw two plates with submarine sandwiches on them. Bucky smiled, as simple as they were, subs had always been his favorite food. 

"Thanks, Stevie," Bucky said, as they sat on the couch together, side by side.

For several minutes they ate in silence, but it didn't feel suffocating like it had in the car.

"So," Steve began, and Bucky turned to look at him. "Sam finally asked Riley out, they've been dating for a couple of months now."

"No kidding?" Bucky laughed, "Sam's only been pining after him for a decade now, it's about time." 

Steve laughed with him, and it sounded beautiful. It hit Bucky, then, that he hadn't heard Steve's laugh in  _ months _ . Hearing it now felt like salve on a wound.

"Yeah, but Clint and Nat are still dancing around each other." Steve grinned. "Everyone  _ knows _ they like each other."

" _ And _ that they've been having sex since high school." Bucky added, before taking the last bite of his sub. Steve chuckled, leaning back on the couch, just staring at him. Bucky couldn't help staring back, he had missed those beautiful blue eyes, plump lips, and crooked nose. 

Slowly, Steve's smile fell, he got up and put their plates in the kitchen. When he returned, instead of sitting down, he stood in the archway of the living room. Bucky felt the heavy tension that had dissipated quickly return.

"Wanda got a job at Banner's Books with me." Steve said, only briefly glancing up at Bucky. "Did you know about her husband?"

"Uh, yeah," Bucky swallowed around the lump in his throat, "Pietro told me about him. His name was Vision, he was murdered not long after they got married."

Steve ran a hand through his hair and sniffled. Bucky's brow furrowed and he wondered what made Steve bring this up. 

"That's awful," Steve said solemnly, "I can't imagine.." He finally met Bucky's eyes, "I'm so glad you came back."

Bucky felt his heart pound almost painfully in his chest, knowing that Steve actually wanted him home felt both comforting and unexpected. He wanted to ask Steve why, or about what the letter had said, but he knew it would shatter this precious moment.

"Thanks," Bucky said instead, "I am, too."

Steve smiled at him, and suddenly a big yawn overtook him. The pain pills were kicking in, Bucky thought. Steve gave a small laugh, "I should get going, let you sleep." 

"Yeah, I'm pretty tired." Bucky replied, "I- thank you, for driving me home. And for making me lunch."

"You're welcome, Buck." Steve headed for the door, but turned before leaving. "If you need anything, call me. Okay?"

Bucky smiled and nodded. Steve waved, and then he was gone. Bucky couldn't help smiling, realizing things between the two of them weren't completely broken. As he relaxed on the couch, thinking about Steve, he felt himself becoming more and more drowsy. He was just about to get up and go to bed when there was a knock on the door. Thinking maybe it was Steve again, he forced himself up, and staggered to the door. When he opened it, Steve wasn't there.

"Hello, darling," His visitor said with a devilish smirk, and Bucky held on to the door as his knees wobbled.

"Hela?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts??


	9. Show Me a Sign (and I'll Send You My Love)

Steve smiled to himself as he drove away from Bucky's apartment. Despite the rocky beginning, they'd managed to part on good terms. Steve had, so badly, wanted to tell Bucky that he was sorry. He'd wanted to beg for his forgiveness, and then confess his love for him. But Steve knew it would have ruined the tentative truce they'd managed to put forth, so he kept quiet. 

Turning on the radio, Steve sang to Beyonce, then Taylor Swift. He'd never admit it, but he loved pop music. Bucky knew, because of course he did, and teased him mercilessly about it. Bucky was also the only one that would sing his lungs out with Steve whilst Troye Sivan and Sia played at full volume. Steve considered it his guilty pleasure, and as he pulled into a parking space beside his apartment, he whistled happily to himself.

As he pulled the key out of the ignition, Steve noticed something on the floor in front of the passenger seat. It was Bucky's hoodie. The sudden memory of Bucky's frustration in pulling off the simple garment made Steve frown. Then, when Bucky flinched at his touch, it had crushed Steve, he'd never hated himself more than at that moment. He grabbed the hoodie, and got out of the car. It was pointless to get upset in the middle of the street, plus, he knew he should concentrate on the positive side of his visit.

Once inside his apartment building, Steve took the steps two at a time, ready to collapse into his recliner, and text his friends about the mostly good news. When he put his key into the lock on his door, Steve was caught off guard by the fact that it was already unlocked. He slowly opened it, and as he stepped inside, he was immediately ambushed by a large dog.

"Lucky!" Steve laughed, leaning down to pet the excited mutt. "What are you doing here, boy?" 

Walking into the living room, Steve saw Sam, Nat, Clint, and Wanda all looking at him. Lucky barked, demanding more attention.

"Steve, hey man!" Clint said, getting up to collect Lucky, and dragging him back to the couch with him.

"Uh, what are you guys doing here?" Steve asked, then squinted suspiciously. " _ How _ did you guys get in here?"

Natasha grinned, and everyone eyed her, but stayed quiet.

"We're here to hang out, of course." Sam said innocently, but Steve didn't buy it.

"You guys are here because you thought I'd be a wreck after seeing Bucky." It wasn't a question, he knew his friends were all overprotective mama birds. 

"Bingo," Nat said, patting the seat beside her. Steve sat beside her, and she eyed the hoodie in his hands. "You stole his clothes?" 

"No," Steve felt himself blushing, "Bucky took it off in the car and accidentally left it there." He held onto the hoodie possessively, as if someone might try to take it from him.

"How was he?" Wanda asked softly, and Steve gave a small smile.

"I think he's ok, he was distant at first, but once he was home, he seemed more relaxed." He replied, and Wanda raised an eyebrow at him.

"Did you tell him?" She asked.

"No," Steve shook his head, "it wasn't the right time."

"What  _ did _ you guys talk about" Natasha asked.

"Not much," he grinned, "talked about you guys. He said he wants to see you all." 

"Excellent!" Clint said happily. "Maybe we can organize a get together or something."

"Yeah, that sounds like fun," Steve replied, fidgeting with the sleeve of Bucky's hoodie. Natasha eyed his movements, and turned to face him.

"I think," she spoke calmly, "before then, you need to tell Bucky how you feel."

Steve cringed, he had hoped they were done with that conversation for now.

"I don't know, maybe I shouldn't." Steve sighed heavily, and when he looked up, all of his friends were looking at him with concerned looks.

"Why? What changed your mind?" Wanda asked.

"Once we got to his apartment, things kinda fell into place. We were hanging out like we always did, and I realized how much I missed it." Steve ran his hands through his hair, suddenly feeling anxious as he thought about everything.

"It just.. felt too easy. I don't know why it bothers me so much, I guess I just expected it to be harder." He finished, gripping tightly onto the hoodie.

"Steve, not everything has to be a fight." Nat said, putting a hand over Steve's. "It doesn't mean it's wrong because it feels right."

"But what if.." Steve sniffled loudly.

"Bro," Clint clapped him on the back, "I gotta say, I never thought I'd see the day when Steve Rogers stood down from fighting for something he cared about."

Steve bristled, "I'm not backing down."

"You don't want to tell Bucky you love him because of how easy it was for you to fall back into being 'just friends'." Clint responded, even using finger quotes, and Steve frowned, opening his mouth to retort.

" _ But _ !" Clint continued, holding up a finger. "The fact that you two had sex is going to forever hang over you both."

"He's right," Wanda said. "How do you think Bucky feels? He's been through a traumatic injury, but don't think for a second that what happened between you two isn't eating away at him, too."

"I just," Steve sighed, "I don't want to make it worse."

"Talking about it will not make it worse." Sam added, "I get that it's hard to let go of a secret you've been holding onto for a decade, but just think, what if Bucky's got the same secret?"

"I.." Steve looked around at his friends, they all looked back at him encouragingly. "Ok, I'll tell him."

***

Steve stepped out of the elevator, and excitedly headed for Bucky's apartment. This was it, he was going to tell Bucky he was in love with him. Still clutching into Bucky's hoodie close to him, Steve knocked on the door. It was nearing five o'clock, and when there was no answer, Steve wondered if Bucky was still sleeping. Suddenly the door opened, and the smile that had been on Steve's face quickly fell.

" _ Hela _ ?" Steve asked, stunned. Hela had been Bucky's last girlfriend, and although they'd only been together for several months, Bucky had been devastated when she broke up with him. Steve had never liked Hela, he had no idea what Bucky saw in her, but he had tried his best to support his friend. When Hela had called it quits, Bucky never told him the reason, and Steve hated her for breaking Bucky's heart.

"Why,  _ there _ you are, Rogers." Hela replied, her slight accent and deep voice giving her an air of dominance. Her long black hair cascaded past her shoulders, and she wore her typical black attire; leggings that hugged her every curve, and an equally tight tee shirt. Hela loved showing off her sleeve tattoos, and while Steve had no problem with tattoos, he hated hers. They were dark, and macabre. He hadn't been surprised to learn that she was actually a coroner, and enjoyed telling people that she was the goddess of death.

"What are you doing here?" Steve asked, his pulse quickening as he wondered if Bucky had called her.

"I just stopped by to chat with our dear Bucky," Hela smirked, looking and sounding smug as hell, and Steve couldn't explain the flush he felt on his cheeks. "Don't be jealous, we  _ both _ know he likes you better."

Steve opened his mouth to argue, but before he could say anything, there was a loud thud. It was followed by Bucky groaning, and then giggling. Steve pushed past Hela and rushed to the living room. He found Bucky on the floor, rubbing the top of his foot.

"Buck, are you ok?" Steve asked, crouching beside him. Bucky squinted, then grinned.

"Stevie, you're here," Bucky sounded almost in awe, "you said you wouldn't be, but you are." 

Steve's stomach dropped and his chest felt painfully tight. Bucky was talking about the letter, and Steve felt the urge to vomit. All of those negative feelings slammed into him like a freight train. Bucky had been blown up, he'd thought Steve wouldn't be here when he returned. Steve could feel angry tears pooling in his eyes, but quickly wiped them away.

"He  _ has _ been rambling about that," Hela said, as she walked into the room. "I didn't think it was true, but by the look on your face…" She  _ tsked _ at Steve, wagging a finger disapprovingly.

Steve felt hollow. Bucky had told Hela, of all people, about the letter. Had he told her about what happened between them, too? 

"Stevie," Bucky slurred, tapping Steve's face, "wanna drink?"

Steve raised an eyebrow in confusion, then looked at the coffee table, and saw two empty beer bottles. There was also a prescription bottle beside them. It was Bucky's Percocet. Enraged, Steve stood to his full height, turning on Hela.

"You gave him  _ alcohol _ ?" Steve shouted, "I can't- you  _ know _ he can't drink while on pain medication. Are you trying to kill him or something?" He pointed at her accusingly, but Hela only grinned.

" _ Such _ a drama queen, Rogers." She walked over to Bucky, and crouched beside him. "Bucky and I were just having a bit of fun. Besides, according to him, he's been quite melancholy."

"No shit, Hela." Steve continued yelling, "He's been through quite a bit of trauma."

Hela stood and approached Steve, she grinned deviously at him.

"Oh, Steve. It's not that. It's  _ you _ ." Hela stood on her tiptoes, and whispered into Steve's ear. "The fool is in  _ love _ with you. Knowing you've done something to break his heart, makes telling you all the sweeter." 

Steve felt paralyzed. He could feel his entire face flush and he suddenly felt faint. Looking down at Bucky, he saw him asleep on the floor.

"Get. Out." Steve all but growled the words. Hela arched a perfectly shaped eyebrow at him, but walked around him towards the front door. He could hear her laughing as the door clicked shut.

Steve tried to do the breathing exercises that Sam had taught him. He couldn't fall apart now, not here, with Bucky passed out on the floor. With shaking hands, Steve leaned down and tapped Bucky on the back.

"Buck? Wake up, pal." He spoke softly, and Bucky slowly opened his eyes as Steve half carried him into his room.

When Steve walked through the doorway of Bucky's bedroom, his heart began pounding heavily against his chest. He hadn't been inside of it since the day Bucky left. It still looked the same, the bed was neatly made, framed posters of Bucky's favorite bands and movies adorned the walls, and on the nightstand, a picture of Steve and Bucky in their graduation gowns. They had huge smiles on their faces, Steve's arm slung over Bucky's shoulder, and Bucky's arm around Steve's waist. They'd been so happy. 

Shaking his head and taking a deep breath, Steve finally got Bucky into bed. Seeing him there brought on a fresh wave of painful memories. Steve remembered how Bucky had looked as he thrust into him, and as he came inside of Steve's body. He remembered how it felt when Bucky held him after, how incredibly precious and heartbreaking the moment had been.

"Stevie," Bucky smiled sadly at him, "c'mere." He gestured for Steve to come closer.

"What is it, Buck?" Steve asked, wiping at his eyes quickly. He sat on the bed and leaned in.

Bucky ran his fingers through Steve's hair, and Steve couldn't resist closing his eyes at the comforting feeling. Bucky then pulled Steve closer, until only a few inches separated them. Steve opened his eyes and watched Bucky's glide over his face.

"Yer so pretty," Bucky sighed. He then leaned in, and kissed Steve's lips.

Steve desperately wanted to kiss him back, but he couldn't do this again. He couldn't take advantage of Bucky. Reluctantly, Steve pulled away.

"Bucky," he shook his head, and felt his throat constricting as he watched Bucky's face crumble.

"Ok," Bucky said, pulling the blanket up to his shoulder. "I'm glad you got to see me before I got broken, at least." He rolled over, turning away from Steve.

Steve felt hot tears streaming down his face, and his lungs felt like they were collapsing. He knew there was no  _ right _ thing to say, not with Bucky under the influence, and not with Steve struggling to breathe.

"Sleep now. You'll feel better in the morning." He barely choked out 

"There's no sleeping you off my mind." Bucky nuzzled his face into the pillow, then mumbled, "I miss you all the time." Only a moment later he began snoring lightly, and Steve sat stunned.

Walking in a daze to the living room, Steve cleaned up the mess Hela had left behind. His mind whirled in a million directions, and it made concentrating difficult. Understanding the meaning behind Bucky's inebriated words, and thinking about what Hela had told him, crashed through Steve's head like bumper cars.

He couldn't be here, especially when Bucky woke up, but he couldn't leave him alone in his current state. Steve called Rebecca. She answered after two rings.

"Hey, Steve! How's it going?" She sounded happy, and Steve regretted having to ruin her good mood.

"Not good," Steve rubbed the back of his neck nervously, "I need you to come watch Bucky."

" _ What _ ?" Rebecca asked frantically, "Is he ok? What's going on?"

"Hela was here," he replied, already feeling anger seeping in as he recalled what she'd done. "Bucky took some pain pills, and she gave him alcohol. He's sleeping now, but I don't think he should be alone tonight."

Rebecca was silent for a moment before speaking, "I told Thor you were taking Bucky home, he must've let it slip to Hela. I'm so sorry." She sounded close to tears, and Steve's heart ached.

"It's not your fault," he told her, "but I need you to come over, keep an eye on him until morning."

Again, Rebecca paused before answering.

"Can't you watch him?" She asked tentatively.

"I don't think I can." 

"Steve, what happened?" Rebecca suddenly sounded more serious.

"I…" Steve wasn't sure what to say. He didn't want to tell her everything, he felt embarrassed, and Bucky probably would be feeling the same way in the morning. 

"Steve?" she spoke softly.

"I just can't, I can't do this right now."

"Ok, I'll be over in fifteen." Rebecca ended the call, and Steve collapsed onto the couch. 

_ I'll talk to him tomorrow _ , he thought to himself,  _ tomorrow will be better _ ; but deep down, Steve didn't believe it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Currently working on chapter 11, and I'm really happy with it. I'm hoping to have it finished by the weekend, then I'll just have the epilogue/chapter 12!
> 
> I hope you guys are as excited as I am!


	10. Terrors Don't Prey on Innocent Victims

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter ended up being a lot longer than intended, I hope y'all enjoy it! Please heed the newest tag.
> 
> Any fans of the fabulous author, humapuma, will notice my subtle tribute to her in this chapter. This fic wouldn't be what it is without her amazing beta skills <3

As Bucky slowly awoke, he looked around his room drearily. It had been over six months since he’d slept in his own bed and it took him a moment to place where he was. Lying there, Bucky allowed himself to enjoy the comfort of his memory foam mattress, but the moment was short lived as he began remembering what had happened the previous night. _Fuck,_ Bucky swore under his breath, _Steve's gonna hate me_. Groaning loudly in regret, Bucky sat up and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. A short moment later, he saw Rebecca standing in his doorway.

"Becca?" He asked, and she cocked an eyebrow at him. "Uh, where's… is Steve here?"

"No, he left," She replied shortly. "What happened last night, Bucky?"

Bucky sighed and got out of bed. Walking past his sister, he headed for the kitchen, and directly to the coffee pot. He heard Rebecca sitting down at the tiny kitchen table, and knew she wasn't going to drop the subject.

"What did Steve tell you?" Bucky asked, sitting down at the table with a mug of coffee.

"Very little," Rebecca answered. "He told me that Hela came over after he left, she brought beer. When he came back over to return your hoodie, he made her leave."

Bucky cringed. "I had taken a couple of pain pills after I got home. Steve left when I started getting drowsy, and then Hela showed up."

"I think that was kinda my fault." Rebecca frowned. "I saw Thor at the gym and told him about Steve driving you home. I know Thor has a big mouth, but I didn't think he'd tell Hela. It didn't even cross my mind."

"It's not your fault; it was Hela's. And mine." Bucky took a sip of his coffee. "Like I said, I was already drowsy from the Percocet. I didn't put up much of a fight. She said something to Steve, though, I'm not sure what, but it really upset him. He made her leave, then put me to bed."

Bucky could feel his face heating up, and bit his bottom lip nervously. 

"What happened then?" Rebecca asked expectantly.

"I honestly don't remember everything, but.." Bucky took a deep breath. "I-I kissed him."

Rebecca gave a reassuring smile.

"Yeah, but he uh, he pushed me away. I fell asleep after, and I'm guessing he called you so he could bolt." Bucky rubbed at his eyes, frustrated.

"Did either of you say anything?" She asked.

"I don't remember exactly. I don't think he said anything. I said…" Bucky stopped, and felt his face flushing in shame.

"What did you say, Bucky?" Rebecca asked, sounding impatient.

"I said something like, I was glad he saw me before I lost my arm. Before I was broken." Bucky peered up at his sister, and saw that her face filled with disbelief.

"I know you weren't completely with it last night, but Jesus Christ, Bucky!" Rebecca huffed and crossed her arms.

"I know!" Bucky slid down in his seat., "I fucked up, again. Earlier in the day, before Steve left, things were... good. I thought maybe we'd be okay. It's probably what I deserve, I left him, and now he's left me."

"Oh my God." Rebecca rolled her eyes. "You two are _such_ idiots. I bet neither of you even brought up what happened before you left."

"Well, no... but-" 

"But? _But_?" She leaned back in her chair and looked at Bucky expectantly.

"It just, it wasn't the right time." Bucky finished lamely. He rubbed the back of his neck nervously, knowing it was a lame excuse, and that his sister wouldn't buy it.

"Listen to me," Rebecca said firmly. "You are my brother and I love you, so I'm going to dish out some tough love right now."

"Becca-" 

"No, shut up. I know you've been through a lot, but you lost your _arm_ , not your balls. You need to grow up and deal with this." Rebecca gave an exasperated look as Bucky's mouth hung open, and his eyebrows nearly reached his hairline.

"I'm a grown man, Rebecca, I don't need you telling me how to live my life!" Bucky snapped defensively, getting up from the table and taking his mug to the living room.

As he sat on the couch, sipping on his coffee, Bucky was overcome with emotions. He felt angry at Rebecca - she didn't know the whole story; it wasn't as easy as she seemed to think it was, for him to talk to Steve about his feelings. There would be repercussions to telling Steve he loved him, probably bad ones. He'd already lost his arm, Bucky didn't want to lose his best friend, too. Although, after last night, he might have already lost Steve for good.

Right below the anger, though, shame simmered painfully. The shame of having caused this whole problem; he used Steve and then ran away. Now he was still too much of a coward to face what he'd done. Then, just when Bucky thought they'd be okay, he went and kissed him, _again_. 

The more he thought about it, the more certain he felt that their friendship could never be what it was before. Steve's letter had been right. It stung, to realize he'd truly fucked things up with the best man he'd ever known.

When Rebecca finally joined him, Bucky didn't bother looking up. He chose, instead to stare into his nearly empty mug. After a moment of silence, he set it on the coffee table.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound so bossy," Rebecca said softly. "I just care about you, and I care about Steve, too. Seeing you both so unhappy is hard for me."

Bucky didn't reply, just sighed heavily and glanced at Rebecca.

"I meant what I said, though," She added. "You two _need_ to talk about it. It'll help."

"Steve hooked up with nurse Rollins," Bucky blurted out, feeling nauseous at just saying the words.

"What?" Rebecca asked incredulously, "Rollins? He is literally the worst nurse in the hospital, what makes you think Steve slept with him?"

"Rollins came in to give me my discharge papers, when he saw Steve, he said he was a bad kisser." Bucky fidgeted with the hem of his shirt before finishing. "Even made a comment about the size of Steve's dick."

Rebecca sighed, "I'm sorry, Bucky, but did you really expect Steve to remain celibate after you left?"

"No, I just..." Bucky ran his fingers through his hair, unsure of what it was that he'd expected.

"Do you want to be with Steve?" Rebecca asked, slowly placing a hand on Bucky's shoulder. She knew about his PTSD and did her best to forewarn him when it came to touching.

"It doesn't matter what I want," Bucky murmured, already feeling drained by the conversation.

"It _does_ matter, Bucky. You made a mistake leaving Steve, and it clearly hurt both of you," Rebecca stated firmly. "You guys didn't just accidentally kiss or something; you had _sex_. Obviously you two have feelings for each other, or it wouldn't have happened. It's time to get everything out in the open."

Bucky sighed, but when he opened his mouth to reply, Rebecca stopped him.

"How do you think Steve feels? His best friend had sex with him, then went to fucking _war_ without saying a word. Don't you think that's weighing on him pretty heavily?" 

"Oh God," Bucky mumbled, as realization dawned on him, "he asked me if I knew about Wanda's husband."

Rebecca looked stunned.

"Yeah, then he... he told me he was glad I was home."

"Oh, Bucky," Rebecca breathed.

"I don't know," Bucky tilted his head back on the couch and sniffled, tears pooled in his eyes. "I don't know how to fix it."

"Call him, right now. Where's your phone?" Rebecca got up and began digging through the contents of Bucky's duffle bag. When she found his phone, she typed in Steve's number and tapped call, tossing it to a frazzled looking Bucky.

"Becca!" He squeaked, nearly dropping the phone as he barely caught it with his hand. When it began to ring, Bucky hesitantly put it to his ear, a million scenarios playing through his mind. 

" _Hi, this is Steve Rogers. I'm not available-_ " Bucky ended the call and looked at Rebecca, a wounded expression on his face.

**

The following day, Bucky walked into Banner's Books with his back straight and his shoulders squared. He was prepared to march right up to Steve and tell him everything: that he was in love with him, had been for years, that the night they’d spent together made him feel whole in a way he'd never experienced. Bucky was going to tell Steve that he didn't regret what happened between them all those months ago, only that he hadn't told him the truth before leaving. He desperately hoped he wasn't making another huge mistake.

As the bell above the doorway jingled lightly, Bucky charged down the aisles with tunnel vision, unaware of anyone else in the store. He glanced briefly down each one, heading for the next when it was determined they were empty. When he reached the back of the store and still hadn't found Steve, Bucky wondered if he was in the break room.

"Bucky?" A voice called out, and Bucky spun around to see Wanda approaching him with a soft smile. "It's so good to see you."

"Hey, Wanda." Bucky glanced behind her slime frame, hoping Steve was following. He couldn't help the frown that befell his face when he realized Wanda was alone.

"Steve's not here," Wanda told him, easily reading his face.

"I thought he was scheduled to work today?" Bucky asked, confused.

"He was, but he called and said he needed a few days off."

Bucky furrowed his eyebrows. "Did he say why?"

"No, he didn't, but he sounded..." Wanda tilted her head, clearly trying to find the right words. "Agitated."

Bucky ran his hand through his hair, sighing heavily. "Oh."

"It's good to see you again, I missed you. How are you doing? " She smiled brightly, reaching out to hug him. When Bucky immediately shrunk away, Wanda gasped. "I'm so sorry, that was incredibly thoughtless of me."

"It's fine," Bucky muttered as he shrugged. He never knew what to say after it happened. It really _wasn't_ fine, it scared Bucky, it embarrassed him, but he couldn't tell people that.

"It isn't," Wanda replied, seeming to read his mind, like always. "I should have asked if I could. Would you like to sit down?"

"Aren't you working?" Bucky asked.

"I am, but as you can see, we're not exactly busy right now." She gestured to the nearly empty store. Only an elderly lady occupied the space, sitting in a chair; when Bucky looked closer, he saw that she was reading a Stephen King novel.

"Yeah, okay." He rubbed the back of his neck as Wanda lead him to a table on the opposite side of the store.

Once they were seated, Wanda looked Bucky in the eyes. "Something happened between you and Steve."

It wasn't a question, and Bucky knew it was pointless to deny it. 

"Sort of," He admitted, and explained what had happened. Recounting the events had Bucky's chest feeling tight, and he sniffled harshly as he wiped his eyes.

"There can't be solace every time you cry, Bucky," Wanda said softly. "Sometimes the love you deserve is the love you never find.” Bucky bit his lip and used the back of his hand to catch a few more tears. “You _found_ Steve, though,” she went on. “You just have to complete your story with him."

Bucky was moved by Wanda's words. He _did_ find Steve, the only person that he had ever loved, that he would ever love. All Bucky had ever wanted was to share his love with Steve, to let go of this agonizing secret that had been eating away at him for years. More than anything, he wanted Steve's love in return. Now that it seemed to be a real possibility, Bucky was terrified.

"I want to," He whispered, looking back at Wanda, "I'm so scared of losing him, though."

Wanda held out her hand on the table, and Bucky took it in his own. "When you came in here today, you were going to tell him. What changed?"

Bucky couldn't help gaping at her. Despite knowing her gift for reading people, Wanda never ceased to surprise him. "How did you-"

"You came in looking like a man on a mission, it wasn't hard to surmise." She replied with a gentle laugh.

"I guess." Bucky looked at their clasped hands, Wanda gave an encouraging squeeze. "If he isn't upset, why hasn't he answered any of my half a dozen calls? Why would he call off work? Those aren't exactly good signs."

"Perhaps he needs to be alone with his thoughts,” she suggested. ”Surely he is as conflicted as you are."

A painful thought occurred to him and he frowned. "Maybe he's off with Rollins again," Bucky mumbled.

"Jack Rollins?" Wanda asked, crinkling her nose at the name.

"Yeah, he was a nurse at the VA. He made it pretty clear that him and Steve..."

"But he's dating Hela Odinson,” she announced. “I saw them at the mall together last week." 

Bucky was stunned by this news. Could Rollins have told Hela about Steve driving him home? It made more sense than loyal Thor blabbing it to her.

"Fuck," He groaned, "I just wish I knew what she told Steve. Whatever it was, he wasn't happy about it."

"Or, maybe he was upset because your ex girlfriend was at your place and put you in danger by giving you alcohol." Wanda shrugged nonchalantly, before adding, "Steve always hated her anyway." 

"I need to go talk to him," He finally said, standing up. "Thanks for everything."

Wanda simply smiled and gave a small wave.

**

Bucky stood with wide eyes and a tight lipped expression in front of Steve's door; he wasn't sure how long he'd been standing there, before eventually summoning the courage to knock lightly. After several agonizing moments with no answer, he pounded on the door. He swallowed, shifting on his feet. His nerves couldn't handle this much longer.

At the sound of squeaky hinges behind him, Bucky spun around to see Sam coming out of his own apartment down the hall.

"Oh, uh," Bucky felt his cheeks heating up. "Hi, Sam."

"Hey, Bucky, good to see your ugly mug's still around," Sam joked, and Bucky couldn't resist grinning. He hadn't realized how much he'd missed the sarcastic banter between the two of them.

"Yeah, so how's Riley?" He chuckled as Sam's eyebrows shot up in surprise. 

"Well." Sam schooled his expression and crossed his arms. "He's sleeping on my couch, at the moment."

"You always were a slut, Wilson." Bucky shook his head disapprovingly, and Sam barked out a laugh.

"Hey, you wanna grab a bite to eat? It's been a hot minute since we talked," Sam asked casually.

Bucky hesitated, looking back at Steve's door.

"Steve's not home," Sam informed him. "C'mon," he went on, "I gotta talk to you about that." 

After watching Sam shut and lock his door, Bucky followed him out of the apartment building, feeling nervous tension about what Sam would say. They walked in silence until they reached a food truck. "My treat," Sam grinned, paying for two warm pretzels.

"You're so generous, man." Bucky rolled his eyes before biting into his food. He hummed happily and continued following Sam, who lead him to a quiet clearing. They sat on an empty bench and people watched as they ate.

"So," Sam finally spoke up once they'd finished eating, "Steve left."

The blood drained from Bucky's face. "Left? Where? _Why_?" Although he felt like he already knew the answer to the last one.

"Went to visit his Ma for a few days, said he needed some fresh air." Sam's expression became more concerned as he saw Bucky's bewildered face, but he went on. "I only know because he sent me a text at four this morning."

"Can I read it?" Bucky blurted out, eyes wild. Sam lifted an eyebrow, but handed his phone over. Frantically, Bucky opened the message.

_Hey Sam, going to visit my Ma. Need to get away, get some fresh air, away from the city. If you can, please water my Chrysanthemum for me. I'd appreciate it. See you in a few days._

As Bucky read and reread the message, he could feel his breathing begin to accelerate and his sight became blurry as tears welled in his eyes.

"Bucky," Sam said his name, but it sounded far away. Gently, Sam took the phone out of Bucky's trembling hands. "Slow your breathing, man. You're going to hyperventilate."

"I-I can't." Bucky's voice cracked as he realized that he really _couldn't_ control his fast paced breathing. He gripped his hair tightly as the incoming panic and fear washed over him.

Steve was gone. Left his home. Left the city. Just to get away from _Bucky_ . _Steve doesn't love me_ , he thought to himself, _what the hell was I thinking_? 

Before he knew what was happening, Bucky felt the cool, hard pavement under his hand and knees; everything around him sounded muffled and distant as blood rushed in his ears. Feeling bile rise in his throat, Bucky squeezed his eyes shut. _This is why Steve left,_ his mind screamed at him, _I'm not worth it._ It was then that he found himself vomiting; the Fruity Pebbles he'd had for breakfast and the barely digested pretzel now resided on the sidewalk beside Bucky's hand. 

"Bucky." Sam's voice was barely audible. "Bucky, look at me. C'mon, you can do it."

Bucky felt Sam's hands on his shoulders and the touch felt grounding. For once, he welcomed the contact. Slowly, he looked up into Sam's eyes, his friend looked calm and collected.

"There ya go, man. Keep looking at me, watch how I'm breathing. Real slow and steady." Bucky's mind desperately reached for the anchor that Sam had become for him. He watched Sam intensely and began copying the way his breath came and went steadily.

Bucky wasn't sure how long they stayed like that, but by the time his breathing finally slowed, his knees were aching on the cement. "Sam," was all he could croak out in the end.

"Hey, buddy. Can you stand?" 

"Y-yeah," Bucky took Sam's offered hand and stood, feeling a bit wobbly at first. That's when he noticed that people had stopped and were staring at him. Bucky looked down in shame, and saw his vomit on the ground. "I want to go home."

"Let's go to my apartment, it's closer. That okay?" Sam hedged and Bucky simply nodded.

The next thing he knew, Bucky was being sat on Sam's couch while Riley offered him a bottle of water. Bucky took it tentatively before drinking half of it down, rinsing away the taste of vomit that lingered in his mouth.

"Thanks," Bucky said softly, placing the bottle on the coffee table. Riley sat in a chair across from him, while Sam sat beside Bucky, but left a cushion between them. Bucky appreciated the gesture.

"I hope you know," Sam began, "Steve _is_ coming back."

Riley nodded. "And you're not the reason he left." Bucky looked at him with furrowed brows, wondering how Riley could know that for sure. "You guys have a small circle of friends. They care about you both and only told me because they knew I'd been in a similar situation."

"'s fine," Bucky mumbled. 

"Ya know," Riley continued. "When I got honorably discharged after my injury," he said, gesturing to the heavy scarring on his face, "I figured any chance I had of ever being with Sam was shot."

Bucky's face shot up, "But-"

"I know. It wasn't because I thought Sam would judge me for how I looked. I know he's a good man, but I developed trichotillomania." Riley gave a sad smile as he rubbed a hand over his scalp, his hair was buzzed cut into the standard military style.

"I... I didn't know that," Bucky said, remembering when Riley had first come back.

While overseas, he'd been shot in the face and was left with extensive scarring from the many surgeries. Bucky looked at Sam, then Riley, "I knew you had dealt with depression, that much was obvious, but I don't recall ever seeing you with any bald spots."

"He was good at hiding it," Sam explained. "Always wearing a hat or brushing his hair over the bare patches."

"I was able to recover after finally getting on the right cocktail of meds." Riley looked over at Sam, smiling softly. "I couldn't have done it without Sam, though. He made me feel like I had a reason to keep trying. To keep fighting."

Bucky swallowed around the thick lump in his throat, "Steve... he doesn't-"

"Steve doesn't _what_?" Sam asked seriously. "You might not see it, but Steve cares about you more than anyone in the world. That man would lay down his life and die for you, if he thought that was what you wanted."

"He left!" Bucky threw his hand up in the air, feeling exasperated. "That's not what I wanted."

Sam frowned and gave Bucky a level look. "Bucky, did it ever occur to you that he's scared? That he's been scared since the day you left?"

"Why the hell would _he_ be scared?" Bucky demanded.

" _Maybe_ ," Sam answered, "he thought he'd fucked up things with his best friend. _Maybe_ because his best friend took his virginity and never contacted him again." Tears stung Bucky's eyes as Sam continued, "I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, Bucky. I know you're just as scared as he is."

Riley sighed. "You guys have been so afraid of losing each other, you're blind to the fact that you both need each other."

Bucky didn't say anything. He couldn't. As he thought back on everything that had happened, Bucky realized that Sam and Riley might just be right.

"Steve left because he thinks, what? That I'll reject him?" He asked. "How could he think that?"

"I can't speak for the man," Sam replied, "but I think that's exactly why he left."

Something had begun to burn in Bucky's chest. "Wh-what do I do?"

"Give him time," Riley suggested. "You know Sarah will help him get his head on straight." He smiled softly. "When he comes back, go to him. You'll both be ready."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only 2 chapters left!


	11. We're Getting Rid of All Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really excited to share this chapter with y'all! 
> 
> Enjoy!

As Steve pulled onto the long dirt driveway that led to his mother's secluded cabin, he slowed the car and opened his window. He took a deep breath, taking in the country air, and smiled as he finally reached his destination. Turning off the car, Steve hauled himself out, grinning when he saw his Ma stepping out onto the porch.

"Steve!" Sarah Rogers smiled brightly as she approached him, pulling him into a hug.

"Hey, Ma." Steve wrapped his arms around her tightly. “How are you?”

"I'm fine,” she replied, pulling back and contorting her face into an exaggerated frown. ”Happy to see my boy,  _ finally _ ." 

Steve rubbed the back of his neck.

"Sorry, it's been a rough year. Thanks for letting me stay a few days."

"Sweetie, you are always welcome here."

Grabbing his duffle bag out of the car, Steve followed his mom inside the cabin. Once they'd gotten through the door, Steve looked around the spacious living room and connecting kitchen. The rustic yet homey look of everything gave off an inviting feel that Steve loved. Within seconds, he was greeted by a handful of excited dogs. Just like always.

"Hello, puppers!" Steve cooed at the group of misfit mutts. "Ma, are there more dogs here than the last time I visited?"

"Only by one!" Sarah leaned down to pick up a small, three legged Shih Tzu mix. "Poor Charles here is thirteen and his owners gave him to the humane society after he was hit by a car. You know I have a soft spot for the underdogs."

Steve smiled at Charles and gave him a few scratches on the head. "Mister Charles, you are adorable, and very lucky that Ma got you." Looking to his mom, Steve went on, "I'm gonna go put my stuff upstairs and take a quick shower. I'll be down in fifteen."

"Ok, honey, I'll have lunch ready when you're done," Sarah answered and put Charles down as she headed to the kitchen.

Steve took the stairs two at a time, wanting to shower quickly so he could eat. Skipping breakfast was a bad decision, but he'd been in too much of a hurry to leave town. His stomach had growled the entire drive but his only thought had been that he needed to get away. He tossed his bag on the bed, and headed for the bathroom, dreaming of his mom’s cooking.

Disrobing as fast as he could, Steve stopped in the doorway when he saw his reflection in the full length mirror. Bucky had been right, Steve was more muscular than he'd ever been before. He wished he could appreciate it, but knowing it was all a result of his insomnia induced late night workouts, it only made Steve feel morose.

He turned on the water and stepped under the warm spray before grabbing a bar of soap and rubbing it over his body. After quickly washing his hair, Steve turned off the shower and got out. Once he was done drying himself, he dressed into a pair of loose jeans and a tee shirt, then headed back down stairs.

"That was quick!" Sarah exclaimed as she set down a steaming bowl of chicken and dumplings onto the kitchen table.

Steve sat down and immediately began shoveling food into his mouth, moaning in joy over the savory flavor. "Yeah, just wanted to freshen up a bit," he replied between bites.

"Well, you look good." Sarah smiled, sitting down across from Steve. "You look bigger, what's that about?"

Steve looked up at her, spoon halfway to his mouth. "I just been working out," he answered, shrugging.

"Yeah, that's pretty obvious." She raised an eyebrow at Steve. "I'm wondering  _ why _ ."

"I just wanted to get in shape," Steve huffed, looking down into his now empty bowl.

Sarah pursed her lips, giving him a calculating stare. "If you don't want to talk about it, that's fine, but don't you dare lie to me," Sarah answered sharply.

"I'm sorry, Ma," Steve apologized, looking away. "I'll tell you about it later. I just need some time.”

Sarah's expression softened and she took Steve's hand in her own. "Whenever you're ready."

A loud, raspy meow broke the silence as a short haired calico began rubbing against Steve's shin. Looking down, he smiled at the cat greeting him. "Hey, Aria, how is my pretty girl?"

"She turned nineteen this year, can you believe it?" Sarah took Steve's bowl and put it in the sink. Leaning back against the counter with her arms crossed, she smiled fondly as Steve picked up Aria.

"Hell, I remember when she was just a tiny thing, bottle feeding and litter box training her." Steve kissed his childhood cat affectionately, looking into her slightly cloudy eyes.

"You and Bucky were always playing with her, it was adorable."

Steve felt his chest tighten and his face flush at the memory. "Yeah, Bucky loved coming over to see our menagerie of pets."

"It was a shame Rebecca was allergic." Sarah hummed, "Do you think he'll be getting a service dog?"

"Wh-what?" Steve tripped over his words, unaware that his Ma knew about Bucky's condition.

"You know I keep in touch with Winnie. Did you really think I wouldn't know?"

"I guess I didn't really think about it." Steve rubbed the back of his neck.

"I'm surprised you left so soon after he returned. I'd thought after so long apart, you'd be glued at the hip." Sarah laughed lightly. "Even more than usual that is."

Steve clenched his jaw against the tears. "Ma, I need to tell you something."

"Let's go sit on the porch,” she suggested with a smile. “Then tell me whatever you want."

**

The sun was shining brightly as Steve watched his Ma's dogs sprawled on the porch and in the grass, happily soaking up the warm rays. Sarah had remained silent as Steve told her everything, leaving nothing out. He was surprised that he’d been able to keep this from her for so long.Thinking back, he couldn’t recall ever having kept a secret from her. 

Once he was finally done recounting the story, for what felt like the hundredth time, he waited for her to speak.

"Steve," She eventually said, "do you remember when you dated that sweet boy, Scott?"

"Um, yeah?" Steve answered hesitantly.

"And that young man, Tony?"

"Ma, what are you getting at?"

"What I'm getting at, is that you were never content with any of your past boyfriends." Sarah turned to look at her son. "I could see it, and so could they. That's why your former relationships never worked out. You've always been in love with Bucky and no one could ever mean as much to you as he does."

Steve's jaw dropped, "I- Buck... We-"

"My dear, foolish boy." Sarah smiled. "I could always see it, and Winnie could see it in Bucky."

"But-"

"Sweetie, no one knows a person like their mother." She took Steve's hand in her own. "Winnie and I saw how close, how affectionate you two were together. There was never any doubt."

Tilting his head back in resignation, Steve sighed. "I won't lie," he admitted, "I  _ do _ love him, figure I always will. Bucky's never been into guys, though, and he's certainly never even hinted that he was into me."

"Something as trivial as defined sexuality means nothing when it comes to love. Bucky has given plenty of hints over the years, same as you." Sarah chuckled at Steve's furrowed brow. "You both were exceptionally affectionate with one another, but because it started when you were just children, it was something you never thought twice about. Sharing beds, hugging every time you saw each other, even if you'd only been apart five minutes, and all of the constant touches."

"You really think-"

Steve was cut off as a sleek, black Lexus pulled into the driveway, rousing the sleeping dogs and causing a chorus of barks. Turning to his Ma, Steve saw her smiling brightly.

"Who is that?" He inquired.

"Well, I suppose I have something to tell you as well," Sarah answered, squeezing Steve's hand once more before standing.

As the car door opened, the dogs dashed to greet their guest. Steve got to his feet and his jaw dropped as he saw Phil Coulson stepping out.

"Ma... is that-"

"Hello, Sarah," Phil waved before pulling out a bouquet of Chrysanthemums, and heading toward the cabin.

"Yes, that's Phil Coulson," Sarah spoke quietly.

"What is my high school history teacher doing here?" Steve asked, baffled. “And why is he bringing you flowers?”

Once Phil reached the porch, he embraced Sarah, pecking her lightly on the cheek. Steve's eyebrows shot up to his hairline.

"It's so good to see you," Sarah beamed as she was handed the bouquet. "These are beautiful, thank you!"

"Not nearly as beautiful as you, but you're welcome all the same." Phil looked almost bashful.

"Mr. Coulson," Steve blurted out, unsure of how to proceed.

As if he'd somehow overlooked Steve, Phil quickly turned to him. "Steve Rogers! It feels like it's been seventy years since I last saw you. How are you?"

"I, uh, I'm fine." Steve looked from Phil to his Ma.

Sarah laughed at Steve's wide eyed expression, "I meant to tell you earlier, but Phil and I are seeing each other."

"Like, a-as in  _ dating? _ " He sputtered, thoroughly shocked.

"Yes, as in dating." Sarah grinned, looking at Phil. 

Seeing his Ma so happy, Steve did his best to keep his reservations about the whole thing to himself. "Well, it's a good look on you."

"Thank you, dear. I'll be right back, I'm going to put these in a vase." 

Once they were alone on the porch, Steve felt an instant awkwardness between himself and his former teacher. Steve had loved Mr. Coulson's class, the way he taught always made Steve feel like he was living in those historical moments. Knowing his Ma was in a relationship with the man didn't feel quite as jarring, once he allowed himself to think back on how kind and dedicated Mr. Coulson had always been.

"What've you been up to, Mr. Coulson? Mr. Stark said you retired a while back." 

"Good old Howard, keeping the public informed," Phil chuckled. "I did retire. It's been nice, but I do miss teaching. I think a part of me always will."

"Um," Steve hesitated, "how'd you and my mom, um, reconnect?"

Phil smiled wistfully. "We were both at a charity event for the humane society. It was at the park and we just happened to bump into each other."

"I never knew you were a... pet person." Steve tried to imagine Mr. Coulson with cats or maybe a dog, but just couldn't picture it.

"I am!" He beamed. "I have four Guinea pigs and three rabbits."

Steve bit his tongue, holding back the laughter that wanted to bubble its way out. "Oh," he finally answered, faking a cough to cover his mouth.

"I know, I know." Phil grinned. "I certainly don't look like a small pet kind of guy, but I love them dearly."

"Well, I guess that's all that really matters." Steve smiled, and a brief silence fell over them.

"So, how's Bucky doing? Sarah told me about his return. He doing okay?" Phil asked casually.

"Wh-what?" Steve stuttered out.

Quirking an eyebrow at him, Phil continued, "You and Bucky were always inseparable. If anyone would know how he's doing, it'd be you."

"Yeah, I guess." Steve rubbed the back of his neck. "He's... doing as well as can be expected."

"To tell ya the truth, I'm surprised he's not with you. Or is he?" Phil glanced over Steve's shoulder.

"No, we..." Steve trailed off, and decidedly looked down at his bare feet. Suddenly he regretted taking this trip, everyone and everything reminded him of Bucky, while the whole point of being here was so that he could clear his head. When Steve finally lifted his head, he saw Me. Coulson looking at him thoughtfully.

"Did you know that Bucky wrote an essay on Bayard Rustin as a part of his final exams?" 

Steve glanced up at him. "The activist?"

"Yessir." Phil smiled softly. "He had written that he looked up to Rustin, and aspired to have his courage one day."

"But, Bucky's the bravest guy I know," Steve squawked. "He stands up for anyone that needs it; he looked out for - for others… he joined the military! If that's not brave..."

"There  _ is _ more than one type of bravery, Steve." Mr. Coulson spoke with an affectionate, yet encouraging smile.

Before he could inquire further, Sarah finally returned and the subject was changed. His thoughts continued to gnaw away at him for the rest of the day, though. Steve couldn't help wondering why Bucky looked up to a gay activist, one that kept to the shadows for years, to avoid personal attacks.

**

Steve tossed and turned in his bed, his Ma's words running through his head. He thought back on memories he had of Bucky, from their youth and as adults. He had always been more tactile with Steve, while avoiding the touch of others; he’d always invited Steve to share his bed during sleepovers; and he had always preferred Steve’s company. But now… Bucky shrunk away from Steve's touch, even avoided it. Steve wanted nothing more than to show Bucky he would only ever feel  _ good _ things when he was with Steve.

Even acknowledging how much of Bucky's physical appearance had changed, Steve knew he was still just as in love as he'd ever been. Bucky's long hair, 5 o'clock shadow, and bulkier frame took Steve's breath away. He wondered how different Bucky's body would feel on top of him, how it would feel to run his fingers through Bucky's hair.

Steve reached into his boxers and gripped his growing erection.

He froze, before quickly yanking his hand away. Steve felt the familiar feeling of guilt and shame washing over him. He'd always had these fantasies about his friend, always given in to them, and always felt embarrassed afterward. But not since that night.  _ How could he _ ? Bucky had been through a terrible experience and they’d only just begun to… mend.

Yet, with everything that his friends and Ma had told him, Steve began to wonder.. Maybe,  _ just  _ maybe, Bucky wanted him, too. After all, Bucky had been both emotional and drunk around Steve many times before, and had never tried anything with him. That night, though, in those desperate moments, maybe Bucky was afraid he’d never see Steve again. Could he have let himself do something he'd always wanted to, but had been too afraid? Just as Steve had done?

Could Bucky… have feelings for Steve? Even  _ want _ him, as Steve wanted Bucky?

Slowly, he reached back down and began to stroke his flagging erection. For the first time in months, he allowed himself to imagine exploring every inch of Bucky's body; he’d use his fingers, then his tongue. In no time at all, Steve was harder than he'd been in months. He imagined holding Bucky close to him, sliding into him, and making him forget anything else but that moment. Thinking back on how Bucky had looked at Steve's own new body, how his mouth had opened slightly and his eyes fluttered, had Steve’s cock leaking. 

He wondered if Bucky would enjoy his fuller pecs now, if he'd want to squeeze them, maybe lick and bite them.

Groaning, Steve pinched one of his nipples, before shuffling out of his boxers and stroking his cock in earnest. Bucky would look so good with Steve's fingers inside of him, opening up so perfectly; Steve could imagine it so easily. " _ Fuck _ ," he gasped, slipping two fingers into his mouth, getting them nice and wet before sliding his hand between his legs. He circled his hole briefly, then pushed the first finger in, biting his bottom lip in an effort to keep quiet. Steve pumped his finger in and out of himself forcefully, relishing the burn, and cursing as he slid another digit into his eager hole.

"Ohhh," Steve moaned as quietly as he could, "Bucky." In his mind, his fantasy played out.

_ Lying Bucky's nude body down on the bed, Steve slowly crawled between his spread legs. He kissed his way up Bucky's torso, whispering praise and love into his skin. When Steve finally pressed his lips against Bucky's, they moaned into each other's mouths. Grinding their hard cocks together, Steve gripped Bucky's hair, turning his head to deepen the kiss. Bucky fucked his tongue into Steve's mouth as he reached down, grabbing both of their erections in his hand and began stroking them together. _

_ "Shit, Buck," Steve moaned, thrusting into his hand. The friction had him shuddering. _

_ "Want your mouth on me, Stevie," Bucky panted, and Steve swore under his breath. _

_ "Whatever you want, baby." Steve began kissing and licking over Bucky's throat, slowly migrating to his pebbled nipples. He took his time, nipping and laving over each one, loving the way Bucky’s breathing stuttered in his throat. Once Bucky began writhing and whimpering, Steve finally relented, and moved downward. _

_ "Please!" Bucky begged, "Need you, please." _

_ Steve moaned, but wasted no time in bringing his mouth to Bucky's cock. He licked a stripe up from base to tip, rolling his tongue over and around the leaking head, before swallowing him down. Bobbing his head rapidly, Steve felt Bucky gripping his hair tightly, making him hum in pleasure.  _

_ "More," Bucky gritted out, handing Steve a bottle of lube. Steve happily accepted it and coated his fingers. _

_ Slowly, he pressed against Bucky's entrance, moaning as he saw the furled muscle clenching. Suddenly, an idea came to him. Pulling his finger away, Steve spread Bucky's legs further apart before diving in face first. He prodded at Bucky's hole with his tongue, lapped over it, teased at it with his tongue, and finally licked into it. Bucky gripped his cock tightly as he shouted out, sending a shiver down Steve's spine. After thoroughly debauching him, Steve pulled away and then slid a finger in. _

_ "How's it feel?" Steve asked, his voice straining as he watched Bucky's face intently. _

_ "Good, feels so good, don't stop." Bucky brought his hand up, reaching for Steve's.  _

_ "I got you." Steve took Bucky's hand, and continued fingering him with the other. "You want more?" _

_ "Mmm, yes, more," He moaned in reply, "Love feeling you inside of me. I love you, Stevie." _

It was then that Steve found himself spilling over his hand, coming harder than he had in ages. As he lie there, catching his breath, Steve couldn't help the small smile that formed on his lips.

**

The following morning, as Steve walked with his Ma and the band of misfit canines through a large open field, he found himself sneaking glances at her. 

"Steve." His Ma, stopped and looked him in the eyes. "Just say what it is you want to say." 

"I've just been thinking," He started, briefly looking away before turning to face Sarah. 

"That you want to go home early?" She finished with a knowing smile.

Steve blushed. "Um, well.."

"Honey, it's fine with me. Just make sure the next time you visit, you bring Bucky." Sarah winked conspiratorially.

***

Steve unlocked his door and entered his apartment. He'd texted Sam, letting him know he was home and not to worry about watering his flowers. Once he'd put away his packed belongings from the trip, Steve decided to do something to occupy his mind. Something to keep himself from fixating on what he  _ needed _ to do the following day.

An hour later, Steve found himself standing in his cramped art studio, paint streaked through his hair and splattered on his face. The studio was essentially a large storage closet, but Steve needed a space to paint, which was what he was  _ trying _ to do now. Instead, though, he found himself staring at a canvas covered in dozens of different shades of blue. He hadn't realized it at first, but then it hit him that he was trying to recreate the color of Bucky's eyes. 

The sound of someone pounding on the front door startled Steve, causing him to jump and knock over a mug of dirty paint water onto the floor.

"Shit," Steve hissed, quickly trying to sop up the mess with paper towels. The loud knocking continued so, frustrated and angry, he went to answer it. Not bothering to even look through the peephole, he yanked open the door.

"Steve!" Bucky stood before him, panting and wide eyed. Steve stood stock still, shocked by Bucky's sudden appearance.

"What are you-" 

"I love you," Bucky blurted out quickly, the words nearly unintelligible, though Steve heard them loud and clear. "I love your passion for helping people. I love how you're never afraid to stand up for what you believe in." Bucky smiled at the splash of blue across Steve's cheek. "I love how you've always got charcoal or paint on yourself. It's like your soul's a mixture of chaos and art, and you never try to keep 'em apart."

Steve remained frozen in place, stunned and unable to comprehend what was happening.

"I know you'd never leave me behind, but I'm lost this time, Steve. I love you, and I  _ need _ you in my life. Whether that's as my best friend, or... something more, that's up to you." Bucky's nose was turning red and tears welled in his eyes. "I'll take whatever you have left to give me."

"Bucky, I-" Steve stopped short, unsure how to respond. He hasn't even apologized to Bucky, after everything that Steve had said, the things he'd  _ done _ . How could Bucky so readily want him?

Slowly, Bucky's hopeful face began to crumble. "Oh, I see, uh, I - I guess we were bound to burn, after what I did. At least I saw the heart of you briefly. I'll never forget it." As he began to turn away, he stopped and looked into Steve's eyes. "Can you just tell me if... What happened between us, did it mean anything to you?"

The question hit him like a ton of bricks, "Buck,  _ of course _ it meant… it meant everything to me. I couldn't- I was- we just-" Steve stumbled over his words, and suddenly realization dawned on him. "Wait, did you say you loved me?"

"I did." Bucky straightened his back, looking almost defiant in his stiff posture.

"Oh, Buck," Steve breathed, taking a small step forward. "I love you, too."

Bucky's eyes brightened and he, too, moved closer. "Yeah?" He asked. "I was so... fuck, Steve, I was so scared. I'm sorry for all the shit I put you through."

"I think we both put each other, and ourselves, through the ringer." Steve rubbed the back of his neck. He reached out but stopped, hesitating. "C-can I kiss you?"

A brilliant smile spread across Bucky's face. He nodded once before closing the space between them.

When Bucky's lips met his, Steve felt a warmth blooming in his chest that spread throughout his body. Once Steve felt Bucky's hand cupping his face, he felt tears burning in his eyes. 

"Steve?" Bucky asked, pulling his hand away, "What is it? I'm sorry, I didn't-" His voice had turned frantic.

"Nothing's wrong," Steve interrupted, slowly reaching for Bucky's hand and intertwining their fingers. "I'm just really happy. I missed you so fucking much."

Bucky huffed out a small laugh. "I missed you, too, pal. I didn't think I'd ever see you again."

"Oh, Buck," Steve murmured before letting out a pained sound. "I'm so sorry. I was such a mess. I couldn't imagine that we'd ever be okay again."

"Hey," Bucky whispered, pressing his forehead to Steve's. "I think we're okay now."

"I think this is better than okay." Steve smiled, before leaning in and kissing Bucky again.

The kiss was slow and languid at first. Bucky took Steve's hand and placed it on his own hip, then reached up and cupped the side of Steve's neck. Then, someone - Steve couldn't say who - moaned and it was as though the floodgates finally burst open. 

" _ Steve _ ," Bucky whispered his name like a prayer, and Steve could feel his dick hardening in his pants. He desperately wanted to touch Bucky, everywhere and anywhere, but didn't want to push Bucky's boundaries. Instead, he simply tightened his grip on Bucky's hip.

"Oh God, Bucky," Steve groaned as Bucky's hand slid down his body, eventually landing on his ass and squeezing.

"Touch me," Bucky begged, "please, Stevie. Need you."

Steve hesitated, his hands now hovering over Bucky's body, until Bucky pressed himself into them. After that, Steve could barely control his movements. His hands slid over every inch of the solid body before him. Stopping himself as he reached the swell of Bucky's ass, Steve whispered, "You gotta tell me what's okay, Buck."

"Take me to bed," Bucky bit his lip. His eyes were wide and anxious, as if Steve could ever tell him no.

Taking Bucky's hand, Steve led him to the bedroom. For a moment, they stood staring at each other in silence. Finally, Steve decided to take the reigns and pulled his shirt over his head, tossing it to the floor. 

Bucky kicked off his shoes and pulled off his socks, but hesitated when he began lifting his shirt. Steve's heart ached at the self doubt written on Bucky's face; his eyes were downcast as his right hand instinctively reached for his stump. Quickly changing course, Bucky began pulling at his pants. Steve noticed that they had an elastic waist, making them easier for Bucky to remove, but he still struggled.

Looking up at Steve, Bucky huffed out a humorless laugh. "Slow work with one hand."

"I'm not going anywhere." Steve gave a reassuring smile as he approached Bucky, lightly touching the hem of his shirt. 

"Y-you're always welcome to help me out," Bucky answered quietly.

"I can do that," Steve started pushing Bucky's shirt up, but paused when he noticed the guarded look on his face. "We don't have to do this, Buck."

"I want to," Bucky insisted. "It's just... it's ugly."

Keeping his eyes on Bucky's, Steve slowly pulled the shirt off of him. The scarring on the left half of Bucky's torso was substantial, but looking at it, Steve could only see how much of a survivor he really was.

"Every inch of you is beautiful." Steve leaned in and kissed Bucky's lips. When he felt Bucky tugging on his jeans, Steve smiled, quickly divesting himself of his pants and boxers.

"Wow," Bucky breathed, reaching up to trace his fingers over Steve's chest. 

Steve backed up until the bed was directly behind him, and then climbed on. Bucky followed suit and soon they were kissing again. The urge to kiss, touch, and taste every inch of Bucky's body felt overwhelming, but Steve kept himself in check. He refused to fuck this up by being greedy.

"What do you want me to do?" Steve asked, nearly panting with arousal.

"Want... want you." Bucky struggled, looking away nervously.

"You have me, Buck, however you want," Steve whispered.

Finally turning to face him, Bucky seemed to find his words. "Want you inside me."

Moaning from the mere thought, Steve tried to compose himself long enough to put together a coherent sentence. "Y-you're sure? I don't mind-"

"I want it," Bucky urged, " _ please _ ."

"Fuck." Steve nodded, before remembering he didn't have any protection. Hoping just his fingers would do, Steve reached over to his bedside table to retrieve his lube. He was more than surprised when he saw a box of Trojans with a Post-It note stuck to it.

_ You owe me. _

_ -Sam _

Grinning, Steve grabbed the lube and extracted a condom. When he turned back to Bucky, his cock twitched as he saw Bucky slowly stroking himself. With his last bit of restraint, Steve crawled between Bucky's legs.

"You done this before?" He asked, coating his fingers in slick.

"Yeah, I've..." Bucky blushed. "Well, not with anyone else, but I've done it myself. It's been a while, though."

Steve moaned at the thought of Bucky fingering himself. 

"I'll be real gentle, don't worry." He lifted Bucky's left leg over his shoulder, kissing the inside of his warm thigh. When Bucky nodded in reply, Steve smiled softly.

Gently, he circled Bucky's hole, allowing him to get used to the sensation. Steve's eyes darted between Bucky's face, cock, and ass. All three making his erection ache in anticipation. 

"I'm ready." Bucky pulled back his other leg, fully exposing himself to Steve.

"Okay, let me know if you need a break or want to stop." And, finally, he breached Bucky's tight entrance. 

Steve felt like he was in some sort of timeless void, where nothing mattered but taking care of Bucky. Each time he got approval to add another finger, Steve couldn't help moaning right along with Bucky. Once he had three inside of him, Bucky began begging.

"Please, Stevie, want your cock in me so bad."

Cursing, Steve removed his fingers and quickly tore open the condom wrapper, sliding it over his leaking cock. After pouring more lube over himself, he lined himself up with Bucky's hole.

"You ready, baby?" Steve asked, already sounding wrecked.

"I'm ready," Bucky answered with a slight blush that had Steve smiling.

As gently as he could, Steve began pressing his hips forward. His cock slipped once before finally sliding in. 

"Oh, fuck," Steve cursed. "You're so tight, Buck. Oh my God."

Bucky's mouth fell open as he took deep breaths, his hand gripping tightly on the sheets. "H-hold on."

Steve immediately stopped, even through the haze of undeniable pleasure, he read Bucky's face for any signs of displeasure.

"Okay." Bucky's hand loosened on the bedding, and Steve proceeded. 

Once he was completely sheathed inside Bucky's body, Steve took a moment to collect himself. Bucky was almost painfully tight around Steve's cock, and he felt as though he could come at the slightest movement.

"H-how's it feel?" He asked, gritting his teeth.

"Feel so full," Bucky gasped, "you fill me up so good." He extended his hand to pull Steve down, and kissed him deeply. " _ Move _ ."

Slowly, Steve pulled back till just the tip of his cock remained inside of Bucky's ass. Then, just as carefully, slid back in. He repeated the gentle movements, watching as Bucky's face scrunched up in pleasure. The pride in knowing  _ he _ was the one making Bucky feel this way was intoxicating. Steve suddenly felt so much emotion filling his chest, he was sure it would burst.

"I love you, Bucky." Steve kissed him again, "Love you so much."

Bucky let out a high pitched whine in response, before wrapping his legs around Steve's waist. "Love you, too, Stevie. Need  _ more _ ."

Hesitating, Steve asked, "Are you sure?"

"I can take it, want you deeper."

"Shit, Bucky," Steve groaned, pulling back slowly, one last time, before slamming into him.

Bucky shouted in pleasure, holding tightly onto Steve's shoulder, kissing him between moans. Soon, the sounds of skin slapping skin, and heavy breathing filled the room, only occasionally interrupted by a groan or curse.

Steve couldn't take his eyes off of Bucky's; he wanted Bucky to see everything he was feeling. The pleasure, the joy, the euphoria, but more importantly, the endless love he had.

"I love you, Buck." He panted, "I'll never stop. Gonna tell you every day from now on."

"Gonna come, Stevie. Touch me, please!" Bucky whined, and Steve happily obliged, feeling his own orgasm quickly approaching.

Wrapping his hand around Bucky's cock, Steve began stroking him. It didn't take long before Bucky was digging his fingers into Steve's skin, and moaning loudly as he came. Steve watched, enamored, as Bucky's release shot across his stomach and chest. Along with the intense clenching around his cock, Steve's orgasm began washing over him. He thrust one final time before stilling, repeating Bucky's name, as he spilled into the condom.

Nearly collapsing on top of Bucky, Steve barely caught himself in time to roll onto his side, quickly removing the condom and tossing it into the trash can beside the bed. Bucky curled up close to Steve, nuzzling into his chest. The sluggish, post coital bliss felt like a heavy blanket being draped over Steve's body and mind. He struggled to keep his eyes open, but it was a hopeless battle.

The next thing he knew, Steve was waking up to a ray of blinding sunshine in his eyes. When he rolled over, he reached out to the warm, solid body beside him. Bucky smiled as he leaned in to kiss Steve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow's the epilogue!


	12. Epilogue: Together, There's No Place We Couldn't Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it! The end is here, and it's bittersweet for me. I began working on this in July of 2019 (six months ago), and to finally complete it is an amazing feeling.
> 
> This chapter is fairly short, but I hope you'll all enjoy it.

_ Six months later _

As Shuri made the final adjustments, Bucky turned to Steve, beaming.

"Can't believe I have two arms again," he laughed, and Shuri grinned, taking a step back.

"All complete!" She said proudly. "Go ahead, test it out."

Bucky moved the arm around, checking the range of motion. "It's perfect."

"I know," Shuri replied proudly.

"It looks great, Buck." Steve ran his fingers down the Vibranium prosthetic. "Thank you, Shuri, this is just..."

"I know," She repeated, smiling. 

"Is there anything else you have to do?" Bucky asked, wiggling his new fingers experimentally.

"No, everything is calibrated and functional. You are good to go, Mr. Barnes." Shuri tapped away at her tablet, glancing up at Bucky, still sitting on the exam table. "Seriously, go!"

Steve laughed and took Bucky's hand. They walked out of the palace, smiling widely at one another.

"So, what do want to do first?" Steve asked, swinging their joined hands excitedly.

"Actually." Bucky bit his bottom lip. "I have something I left in our room."

Steve quirked his head, confused. "You did?"

"Yeah, you wanna come with me?"

"Of course,” Steve agreed, still feeling unsure. ”Let's go." 

Heading back inside the palace, Bucky lead the way to their shared room. While the Princess referred to it as such, it was bigger than both their apartments combined. Calling it a room was an understatement.

Once Steve entered, Bucky quickly shut and locked the door. Steve looked back and Bucky flashed a salacious grin. While Steve looked on, Bucky headed for his suitcase and easily found what he was looking for. Steve's eyes darkened as he watched Bucky wiggle the bottle of lube at him. Bucky was more than excited that they'd both been tested, and could now forego condoms.

"I can finally get on all fours now, Stevie." Bucky began removing his clothes, and Steve's jaw dropped.

"Shit," he moaned, tearing his shirt off and hurrying to unzip his jeans. In no time at all they were both nude and lying on the enormous bed. Steve crawled on top of Bucky, kissing him deeply before beginning to work his way down.

"Wait," Bucky gasped, and Steve stopped immediately. "Wanna suck your cock."

"Fuck, Bucky." Steve stroked himself briefly. "Okay, yeah, I'm on board with that."

Switching places, Bucky wasted no time in getting Steve's cock in his mouth. He fondled Steve's balls in his hand, moaning at the sudden taste of pre come. Bucky dipped his tongue into the slit, greedy for more of it. Steve cursed continuously and Bucky smiled around him. 

When he finally pulled off of Steve's cock, Bucky grabbed the lube. Steve reached out for it, but Bucky shook his head. "Want you to watch me."

"Oh, baby," Steve groaned, "show me. Wanna see you stretching your sweet ass for my cock."

He'd quickly learned that Steve had an absolutely filthy mouth during sex, and Bucky  _ loved it _ .

Trading places once more, Bucky got onto his knees. He coated the fingers of his right hand with lube before bending over and holding himself up with his left arm.

"Shit, look at that pretty little hole," Steve panted, watching as Bucky reached back and began circling his tight entrance. 

It felt both thrilling and liberating to be able to do this, for himself  _ and _ for Steve. 

"Yeah? You like to see my fingers stretching my hole for you?" Bucky teased, sliding two digits into himself. Dual moans filled the room and the sound made Bucky's cock twitch.

"I love it, doll. Can't wait to fuck you," Steve answered, already sounding wrecked.

Sliding a third finger into his ass, Bucky relished the feeling. Patience, however, was not Bucky's strong suit, and only continued stretching himself for a short time.

"'m ready,” he rasped and Steve released a punched out breath. “Need you in me, Stevie," he begged, pulling his fingers out.

"Mmm, you want it to burn, baby?" Steve asked, already lining his cock up with Bucky's hole. 

"Wanna feel it,  _ please _ ." Bucky nearly whimpered as Steve finally began pushing into him.

It  _ did _ burn but Bucky loved it. Knowing that slight discomfort would quickly turn to pleasure felt cathartic.

"Shit," Steve moaned, sliding his cock all the way in. "Always so tight, Bucky. Feel so good around me."

"Love the way you fill me up, never knew it could feel like this." And Bucky meant  _ more  _ than physically. Before Steve, he never knew sex could feel so fulfilling  _ emotionally _ . "I love you, love you so much."

Thrusting slowly at first, Steve rubbed his hands up and down Bucky's back and sides. "I love you, too, Buck. Always have."

When Steve finally quickened his pace, Bucky's eyes rolled back in his eyes. Then, Steve brought his hand behind Bucky, pushing his legs further apart. This new position had him arching his back, and suddenly his prostate was being hit with every thrust.

"Oh, fuck, right there," Bucky rambled, moaning and gasping. "Right there, don't stop! Please, I need it!"

Steve growled and grabbed Bucky’s hips harder. "I got you, baby, gonna make you come on my cock, just the way you like."

As Steve began pounding into him, Bucky could feel his orgasm quickly nearing. Heat pooled in his lower abdomen and his balls tightened.

"Gonna come!" Bucky moaned. "Gonna come on your cock." 

When he felt Steve's hand suddenly running through his hair, Bucky tipped over the edge. " _ Steve _ !" He shouted as he came all over the sheets.

"Fuck! Fuck, so tight," Steve moaned loudly, thrusting only a handful of times before Bucky could feel Steve's come filling him.

Once Steve had slowly pulled out, he wrapped Bucky in his arms and rolled them onto their sides, Bucky's back against Steve's chest.

"That was amazing, Buck." Steve kissed the back of Bucky's head between deep breaths.

"Agreed." Bucky chuckled.

"Can't wait to find out what those metal fingers feel like inside of me."

Bucky groaned, "You're insatiable, Rogers."

"Only for you," Steve replied, and Bucky could hear the smile in his voice.

"I love you, Steve." Bucky tightened Steve's arm around him.

"I love you, too, Buck. Always have, always will."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge thanks to the commenters that inspired and encouraged me during this journey. Your kind words kept me going <3
> 
> Now to get to work on my 7 WIPs!

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think! 
> 
> Find me on Twitter @dixons_mama


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